Stuggling with my own Life Lessons

I find myself to be somewhat unsettled the past couple of days. I believe part of it is because I hadn't spoken to my son since last week and that usually means he is off the charts using oxy or whatever he can get his hands on. I have been struggling this past week to put in place the self-soothing techniques I have learned during counseling. Basically, I have been struggling with my spirituality, which means I am struggling in my own recovery of codependence. I went to a meeting this week, haven't been to one in about a month and I have only been to a few. Something told me to go and I did last night. It was a very small group but I there was some good sharing going on. I believe I will start attending every week when if possible. It has taken me some time to get to this point, willing to attend Al-anon on a regular basis and attempt to truly work the steps. I believe this, along with my counseling sessions and this blog, I will continue to get stronger and able to take care of myself and my own peace of mind. But, for today, I am struggling.

I spoke to my son on the phone today briefly regarding some mail he received here. He has been staying with some other addicts at an apartment. He is on probation, was just recently violated for violation of his Prop. 36 and reinstated to the program. He is not working that program, not attending mandatory meetings, etc. He sounded really high today, which of course tested me emotionally and I immediately wanted to "get up in it" as my counselor would say. My instinct was to ask if he had been going to meetings, how he sounded high and tell him that he would be incarcerated if he didn't start working the program. I did bring up some of these things and started to really head down that road. He started to shut down and I caught myself, told him it was not my deal, and finished the conversation. I did not stop myself prior to getting up in it, but I didn't get all the way in it, so I have grown some. I tried using some mental images, giving it over to the Lord. It is just so easy to fall back into the old patterns of asking too much, giving too much advice that is not warranted. To easy to think I actually could say or do something that would make him get well, see the light. Oh how the ego can play with us, making us think we are so powerful over our children. I must remember that the Lord loaned my son to me but he is essentially the Lord's as am I.

I am rambling, probably because I feel so out of sorts, trying to maneuver my way around this letting go but showing support and love at the same time. It is a tricky thing some days, so I will continue to take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

I have tomorrow off from work and am so grateful. I will continue to work on myself and my own life lessons, but some days it is just a struggle. Maybe I need to get out of my own way?

A new Mom

Another hurting mom has joined our blog community. Please stop by and show her some support.

http://hermother.wordpress.com/2010/03/29/i-am-just-her-mother/

Anger List

Last week my counselor gave me some homework. She asked me to write down all the things I am angry about and to put them in categories, such as the things I am angry about in relation to my son, husband, brother, work, etc. So tonight I take her the list, a two page type written list that had been shortened! One of the first things she noticed about my list was that my son was at the top of the list with the most entries, followed by my hubby, my job, my brother, my dead mom and sister, then me. Yep, I put myself last subconsciously!

So then she asked me to pick three things off the whole list to start with that I wanted to work on..you guessed it, not one of them had to do with the stuff listed under my name. Just found this interesting and very telling to say the least.

I picked one for my son, job and hubby. We only got to the first two. I am setting a couple of new boundaries with my son. No phone calls to each other while I am at work; no talking to me about any illegal activity he may be involved in and no talking to me about his drug use. She also gave me a few tips on how to get my head into a peaceful space when and if the next big fall comes.

Please send a prayer out for my son Z. He is in a very dark place right now and I am trying my hardest to stay present and remember there is nothing I can do, and try and believe that he is in the exact place he needs to be for his soul's journey at this very moment.

I have had a hard time keeping up with commenting/posting as I can not use my work computer any longer to comment. I have had a busy week, but I am here in spirit.

Renee

A hole in the Blog Community

I miss Lou and Madison. Thanks Lou for stopping by, I hope you will continue to visit and hope Madison does too. You are both inspirational mothers!
(((HUGS))) Renee

Email to Self

So sometimes I email myself a prayer, a sort of email to the Lord and myself to provide me strength and help me remember what it is I need to surrender. Many times these have been answered, like the time the police called me 5 minutes after sending an email for a divine intervention for my son, they had him in custody and his life was spared. Not sure why I am posting this, thought maybe if you all read it, it would be that much more that God would hear me:)


Dear Lord,

Please Heavenly Father, shine your warm beautiful light on my son Zachary right now in his time of illness and despair. I pray you will hold him in your hands and bring him to restored health. I pray you will provide a mentor in his life that can make a difference for him, someone he can look up to and learn from. Please provide an intervention in his life so that he can become healthy off of drugs and be able to live his life well.

I pray Lord that you will help me to stay out of the way of other's lessons and teach me how to do that and still find joy in my life. Surround me with light and joy, help me to restore my health. I thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life, my husband, my work to provide medical and money, my brother being healthier than he has in many years, my son for being alive. Please dear Lord watch over my family and help us to learn to be happy in the moment in this life. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Quiet

So as you may know if you read here, it has been a pretty tough week for me and my son. I feel sad and empty with a mixture of relief and peace. Boy, how conflicted is that! My son and I both agree that it is not healthy for us to live together under one roof. He knows I love him and how afraid I am for him. I have been open and honest with him about my reasons he can not stay with us anymore. I am accepting (slowly) that I have hit my own bottom in this terrible drug addicted journey. I am trying to soothe myself and let go. I know it will take time, and that something could be thrown in the mix to change the dynamics between he and I, but for today I feel I am doing what is right for me.

I was very shaken the other day when Corey Haim passed. Even though it is not known what his cause of death is, somehow I feel it was related to his drug use, whether it be a current OD type situation or just the wear and tear over the years that drugs take on a person's body. It was strange for me as I was thinking of him a few days before his death? I don't normally sit around and think of actors or anything strange like that, it is why it made this all the more odd for me. I was just wondering how he was doing, knowing of his addiction and watching him on TV a few years ago, I just always felt he was so lost, more so than most addicts even, not sure why I felt that way? It just pounded in the fact that an addicts life can be taken so short. It made me think about my own son and all my fears associated with him being taken too young from drug abuse.

I was not online for a day and came back to much sad news with Mom and Dad's son relapsing and Ant going back to jail. It just broke my heart and I found myself wanting to reach through my computer and try to "fix" it. Yep, that was me, Ms. Fix It, or at least I thought before my son's addiction reared its ugly head many years ago. I wish we all didn't have to go through this and that our kids would get well. On that note, there was a bit of happy news with Lisa C's son Bryon graduating rehab and going back to be an intern there. Also over at Annette's place with H doing really great and Sherry's son being clean and sober. It gives us all hope even in the midst of relapses and active use that our kids can get up, brush themselves off and get back on a better path. It is possible and there is hope.

I have gained so much strength from those of you that commented on my posts this week (every week actually). I never feel like I can thank you all enough. Praying for us all...Renee

Oh Lord this hurts

First and foremost, thank you all so much for your kind words of wisdom and support over my last post. Clean & Crazy, I just cried when I opened your comment and read it, so supportive and loving. HBS, I feel your pain and conflict with calling or not calling, etc. The way I see it, every time my son walks out the door his life is in danger, and if we are to take action when someone might possibly die, let alone our own child, how do we not? It is such a fine line to know if we are intervening on someone who is about to harm themselves, when that is what addiction is all about...so confusing.

I did it tonight. My son called me tonight right as I opened Clean & Crazy's comment and I was crying. He told me he is staying with a friend, I know the friend and she is an addict also. He states they are going to try and get clean together? I bite my tongue through my tears. We talk about how hard it has been for us to live in the same house together. I tell him how afraid I am for his future, his life, how sad I am watching him and how I have hit my bottom with that. He tells me how he is 24 and he needs to figure things out, how shitty he feels about himself, how he has absolutely nothing. I tell him he has life, that God has saved him too many times to count, he is not in prison, not in jail and to focus on that. He told me to lighten up on my husband (his step-dad) because he does a lot and he is a good man who is getting tired of it all. He sounded a little high, I tried to think otherwise. I am devastated, can't stop crying, my stomach is in knots, I am in deep mourning. I know this will pass, he is still breathing and maybe, just maybe, I will learn to have peace and he will get well...I will continue to pray for that along with all of you and your wounded children. Madison, she is an awesome counselor, full of love and wisdom with a tiny dash of excentrism thrown in. I am lucky to have her in my life for guidance and all of you. Barbara, he has not been checked for mental illness but I am almost positive he has ADHD and depression, possibly Cyclothymia, but again, he has to be ready on his terms. I called drug and alcohol today to find out if there is currently funding for someone on Prop. 36 in our county for in-patient rehab and in two weeks there will be. I advised my son of this so he would be aware. He stated he did not want rehab right now and said he was going to get his MediCal and try and get on Suboxone and get a little job. I again bit my tongue. Oh, and Syd, it all just didn't have my name on it. For today, I know I did the right thing for myself and hopefully for my son, but Lord does it hurt. Thanks for helping me get through you guys. Renee

Update

UPDATE: Just a quick update from the post below. First, thank you all for commenting, it gave me strength throughout my day yesterday, and I must say you were all much "easier" on me than my counselor! Basically I went to counseling last night and she reiteriated that my son should leave my home, be homeless, and figure it all out on his own, without a licence, car, no shelter (we are not in the city, don't have a Mission type situation right now), no job, no skills. Wow, what a tough thing for me to do, toss him out into the cold, seems so cold hearted and is breaking my heart thinking about it. BUT, I feel as though I have hit my bottom with this situation? I am angry all the time, sad all the time, fighting with my husband all the time. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I am trying to keep up my exercise but am getting about 5 hours of sleep no matter what I do (that is with taking meds). I realized as I was posting the entry below that I would not be calling my son's PO or his drug counselor, I know better. My motives for doing it were pure of heart, to assist my son, not to rat him out, but it is his stuff, not mine. I think I will start attending open AA meetings as I believe I can find someone there that will be able to help me work the steps better than our local Alanon, which is about 6 people large and not sure anyone has really worked the steps. My hormones are all over the place, I am tired and feel like I am not going to handle any conversations or decisions in a very constructive way today. My counselor basically said I could keep doing what I am doing and probably become VERY ill and keep my son ill in the process, or I could let go. So much easier said than done with a child:( Thanks you guys for the support!

Renee



ORIGINAL POST
So it has been a bit of time since I last posted. Much has been happening, good and bad, such is life. I have relapsed! I know it isn't permanent but I yesterday in particular, I allowed myself to go completely insane with my codependency and it was almost ALL aimed at my son. As my post here!!

Codependency Relapse!!

UPDATE: Just a quick update from the post below. First, thank you all for commenting, it gave me strength throughout my day yesterday, and I must say you were all much "easier" on me than my counselor! Basically I went to counseling last night and she reiteriated that my son should leave my home, be homeless, and figure it all out on his own, without a licence, car, no shelter (we are not in the city, don't have a Mission type situation right now), no job, no skills. Wow, what a tough thing for me to do, toss him out into the cold, seems so cold hearted and is breaking my heart thinking about it. BUT, I feel as though I have hit my bottom with this situation? I am angry all the time, sad all the time, fighting with my husband all the time. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I am trying to keep up my exercise but am getting about 5 hours of sleep no matter what I do (that is with taking meds). I realized as I was posting the entry below that I would not be calling my son's PO or his drug counselor, I know better. My motives for doing it were pure of heart, to assist my son, not to rat him out, but it is his stuff, not mine. I think I will start attending open AA meetings as I believe I can find someone there that will be able to help me work the steps better than our local Alanon, which is about 6 people large and not sure anyone has really worked the steps. My hormones are all over the place, I am tired and feel like I am not going to handle any conversations or decisions in a very constructive way today. My counselor basically said I could keep doing what I am doing and probably become VERY ill and keep my son ill in the process, or I could let go. So much easier said than done with a child:( Thanks you guys for the support!

Renee



ORIGINAL POST
So it has been a bit of time since I last posted. Much has been happening, good and bad, such is life. I have relapsed! I know it isn't permanent but I yesterday in particular, I allowed myself to go completely insane with my codependency and it was almost ALL aimed at my son. As my post here!!