Get by with a little help from my friends.

Well, I decided to try my home town Al-Anon meeting for a third time, guess it is true: Third Times a Charm. There was a good group and we stayed on point with one subject. I took something away from the meeting and I hope I gave something back. The group was positive and proactive. I will go again for sure. Today I have taken Annette's advice and left all my loved ones problems to them and took care of me. Have I said how much I appreciate my blog friends and their support:) I am still sad, but allowing it, not fighting it, not letting it consume me.

Drama 101

To make a long story short my husband took my brother and a couple of friends to our house on the coast to paint the exterier. There was beer there, my husband doesn't drink but his friends do. I received a call Friday night from a cop on the coast who said he had my brother for drunk in public but wanted someone to come and pick him up. I called my husband and he went and got him. I guess he left sometime during the day while my husband was in town and proceeded to get pretty drunk. The next day he apologized and did some work in the yard but got drunk again. So basically he failed at my husband's expectations and broke some boundaries. My husband drove all the way home last night (supposed to come home Sunday) and didn't get here with my brother until about 12:00 a.m. We all went to bed and when I woke up this morning my brother had left because my husband was ignoring him. My brother called and my husband told him he wasn't welcome here anymore and that he wouldn't do another thing for him. My husband has been spewing anger all over the place today, taking it out on me and I am sick still, after a week. My son is home, I took it out on him, he is "sleeping" in the bedroom, more likely hight but don't have the energy. I had to pack my brother's backpack and my husband dropped it off in town. The bitterness building in this house is so thick. I don't want to be that bitter, hard hearted person. I want to have boundaries but also still be open to love and hurt. My husband has lost it and is not considering anything other than his anger. I am now angry. I feel like I need time off from work, don't even feel like getting up in the mornings. My antidepressent isn't working anymore appearantly. Because my mom and sis both died recently, I feel orphaned, and my bi-polar addict brother and son are all I have left in my side of the family. My husband is an only child so sometimes he doesn't understand the ties of siblings. I feel like screaming and running away, far away for a long time, just give up and be irresponsible. I feel so sad for my brother and anger at my son. I feel bitter and my husband is beyond that. Wow, the difference a day makes. It has all been building up for so long, I feel really just like giving up on it all. Sorry for the rambling, I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired, but don't feel like fighting for my health at this point.

Much Love

Just a quick note to say thank you to all who have supported me on this blog. I am at one of those crossroads in this process known as co-dependency and love for an addicted child. I feel I have grown and will continue to grow now with all of your support, the support of my counselor and meetings. I know we all wish we didn't have to belong to this particular group, but again, I am so grateful that at least we have each other to reach out to. Much Love fellow bloggers! Have an awesome weekend.

BTW--If you read my "overpowered" post, I asked my son the following day to pack a few items and stay in town somewhere for a few days as I needed some time alone. One small step......

Gray Waves--Flash 55

It always seemed so black and white. Why can't he see? The waves of destruction that have become so prevalent in our lives. I realize it is not black and white, but full of gray waves, sometimes calm, soothing and sometimes turbulent, cold, dark. Nothing stays the same and that is a very comforting feeling.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

Overpowered

Fair warning, this is going to be a ramble of a post. I feel so overpowered right now by my son and his addiction. First of all my husband and brother went to paint a house we have on the coast so they are not home for 5 days. What I thought would be a nice night to rest and get better (been pretty sick) ended up not being near that. I got home and know that my son broke into the house, he said the back door was unlocked but I am pretty positive I locked it. There was a scheduled power outage at my home today so he was outside doing his homework. Anyways, I let it go after telling him never to do it again and made some soup while he did some chores. We ate dinner and talked a bit, then I called my cousin and we both spoke with her on the phone, overall, not bad at this point. I noticed while I was on the phone that he was going in and out of the house quite a bit and seemed odd. I usually can tell when he is not right but tonight wasn't positive, that is until a few minutes ago. He went into his room and layed down (at 8:30 pm). I walked in and tried to wake him, took a while so he is for sure high. I kind of yelled a little and told him I thought I should take him into town. Of course I can't move him and he just said no. I told him to set his alarm for school tomorrow because I wasn't waking him up and would leave without him. Told him I didn't want to see him like this at my home ever again (this has been said way too many times with no action). What am I to do, call the cops? I am sick and my husband is gone, I just don't want to deal with it. Now I feel like I have to go to his door for a few hours to make sure he is breathing. I feel so sad, angry and frustrated all at once. I feel helpless and overpowered. I have given his addiction my power. At least for today. I pray to God he makes it through this. At least when he does drugs away from me I don't have to see it, out of sight out of mind kind of thing. I don't know what to do right now, feel too weak to deal with it so I will do nothing. If there are any of you that feel this lost right now, please share with me, I feel so alone tonight. I just had to write, my fingers are just typing without me even thinking I am so afraid and angry. God help me and my son, God help us all who are struggling with this demon. Sorry for the ramble to any who read this, just had to get it out somewhere. I feal like such a weak person and such a failure for not following through with my boundaries and letting myself and my son down.

Sick

Well, I guess when we don't spend time taking care of ourselves, we just get sick. I have been off work for two days, must go back tomorrow. Just feel so beat down so I guess I need to relax into it and work at getting well, in more ways than one. I haven't felt much like getting online and will have to catch up with the blogs once I am feeling better. Hope everyone is having a fantastic week.

Tongue Biting

I am the type of person that usually reacts when my buttons are pushed. Lately I have been trying to "bite my tongue" so to speak and think a bit before my reactions of anger flow out like water from the tap. I have been doing pretty well with that until today. My son brought a young girl (friend) out to swim today to our house. They swam and sat around for awhile and then she left. My son had obviously been drinking and probably using opiates last night. He said he just had been drinking and wanted to sleep, after all it is the weekend you know. Geez! So I just laid into him, telling him I thought he should take a drug test, which I have on hand. He was hesitant and then when he did agree, he didn't need to pee...I didn't really need him to as I knew in my gut what I have known for a bit of time now, he has relapsed and is dishonest to himself and the family. I advised him I thought he should go to town and that maybe he should just find a place to live. He just laid there and tried to keep quiet. I was screaming that if he doesn't get help or shows up at my home loaded one more time he is out. I told him that I hoped he didn't think I wasn't serious as I have not always been one to say what I mean and mean what I say, just quick reactions. I pray that when (not if) he does this again I have the strength within me to mean what I say, say what I mean. I need this strength for he and I. I so wish this could be easier and more clear cut. I read of others that are able to tough love it to the point of not allowing their loved addict to live with them. Maybe it is because I have had three family deaths in the past 1 1/2 years that I am even more fearful of losing family as I don't have much left. I have kicked my son out of my home before when his addiction was so awful that there was no other answer, and frankly he was usually ready to go. He isn't ready to go this time, and I am not sure I am ready to make him go. I know I am the only one that can do it and it has to be done when I gain the strength emotionally to do it. I was so hoping I wouldn't have to. God, please help me, I am lost and feel so fragile.

Strange Reflection-Friday Flash 55

She stands in front of the mirror wondering who is staring back at her. What happened to the woman with the joyful heart, flowing hair, healthy body? Was it all an illusion or does she still exist in the reflection? The clock ticks, she runs out the door to start her day, whoever she is.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

I HATE FOIL!!!

So my son had a college paper due for his Humanities class and last night I helped him a little with it. It happened to be about who he thought killed Kennedy and why. He really enjoyed doing the research about all the conspiracy theories and learned a lot. It was so great to see him get into the learning process, haven't seen that in so long with him. He was excited for school and his paper.

He got a ride from school today to a friends house. He called about 10:30 pm and said he had tried to call earlier for a ride (he no longer has a cell phone). He asked if I could bring clothes into town so he could just pick them up there for school tomorrow(we don't give him a key to our house and it is locked when we go to work). As I was on the phone with him asking him how his teacher liked his paper, and asking him which clothes he wanted, I happened upon the jeans he requested. They of course were in his hamper but not really dirty. Well, they actually were dirty because I felt something strange in the pocket and went to clean it out. Yep, that wonderful, beautiful, evil shiny piece of foil. I of course asked him about it like he would even go there truthfully with me. It so ruined the story about how his teacher liked his paper. I am so let down, even though I was pretty aware he has been using to some degree, I guess I just don't want to face it, plus he is so much better than he was at the height of his addiction. I know, I know, he is still using but I am just not ready. I hate foil, who would have thought such a handy thing would end up being on my top ten list of things I hate.

I am sad and feel a bit defeated tonight. It used to be worse for me, I used to set myself much more often. My expectations used to be so high I couldn't even meet them. I have learned to not really have any expectations but in the process, I do not allow myself to feel the hurt most times. I also don't allow myself to feel too excited about anything. I know that without going through the pain, I won't feel joy. I guess I am just tired of grieving and am not doing the work on my own recovery very well. Blah!

Oh Crappy Day!!

Have you ever had one of those days you just don't even want to be in your own skin? Today is one of those days for me. I am so overstressed, overweight, overtired and just plain fed up! I am snapping at all my family and just want to run away and be completely alone for a few days, maybe a few weeks. I would do just that but my work situation won't allow it, so instead I will vent a bit.

I am struggling with my son and brother today. I have no patience for them or their problems. My brother is staying with us temporarily as he has been very ill with pneumonia. We went and established a doctor for him today and they are going to be running breathing tests, blood work, etc. We were able to get a prescription for his bipolar meds and so far he seems to want to take them, time will tell. The doctor is also setting him up with an appointment with a psychiatrist but somehow I doubt he will go. He freaks out when it comes to any kinds of appointments, almost didn't make it to the doctor today.

My son is procrastinating with school, I am sure he is using although I have come to believe he is not actually selling drugs at this point, no money to pay his cell phone bill. Of course he is probably selling just enough to pay for what he does use when he does. I am so tired of giving a shit. I really do love him so very much, but boy, sometimes it is just so hard to like him at all. I don't have a lot of expectations at this point and that is a big step for me, used to have so many for everyone around me. I am no longer afraid to say how I feel when I am feeling it, just a bit softer and I TRY to do it with love, emphasis on TRY. I have been setting up boundaries and sticking with them (baby steps). I have just allowed it all to surround me too much and not put enough into self care. Just a shitty day, that is all there is too it. Sorry for the bad attitude, just needed to vent it out a bit. I am sure tomorrow will be very sunny:)

Friday Flash 55 - Homework

If you do someone else's homework, they do not learn their own lessons. If you give support but allow them to do their homework then they learn their lessons. It appears that by doing other's life homework for them, I have not done my own homework and therefore am not learning my own life lessons.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

Back Home

Well our trip went pretty well. We went with some friends to see Def Leppard/Posion and Cheap Trick in Marysville, we had a lot of fun. The excitement of the people, lights, music, sitting on the lawn, the smell of the grass. A couple of younger girls in our group even got to go up on stage for a bit (above is a picture of them with the Def Leppard drummer). Super fun for us older people who actually knew the words to the songs Cheap Trick played!

Then it was off to Fort Bragg. The above picture is of glass beach, there used to be a dump site there, so a ton of broken and polished old glass, ceramic dishes, etc., like little jewels in the sand. We had a great room with a jacuzzi and fireplace with ocean view. A lot of people over there for the Labor Day weekend though...too many! We almost got ran off the road by some guy in a hurry on a mountain road, Thank you God for saving us that day in case I didn't say it enough.

We ate way too much good food of course. The above picture is the Mendo Bistro (second floor). If you are ever in the Fort Bragg, Ca, area, you really should try this place, excellent food!

My husband and I were able to reconnect a bit and just have some nice private time with no interruptions. We are grateful we were able to get away and just leave everything behind. It helps even for just a few days, take a mental and geographical break from the everyday demands of life:)

Hope you all had a fabulous Labor Day Weekend!

Going Coastal!

We are leaving today at noon heading to Marysville to see a concert (Def Leppard/Poison/Cheap Trick). This should be fun as there are several of us heading there, going to dinner together and just getting a bit of a "blast from the past". We will then be headed to Fort Bragg to stay three nights on the ocean. I plan to sit a lot, do some reading and walking along the beach. I may take my laptop but if I don't, I will blog you all when we get back:) Things are not too good at home right now, but I am going anyways and leaving it all behind me!!!

Agreements

Well my husband and I had a good session with my counselor last night. We came to some agreements on dealing with my brother. We have agreed that he will no longer live on our couch. We will offer to take him to the mission or to mental health to get meds for his bi-polar, bring him food if we see him on the street and he looks hungry, give him love without living with him. This was a little tough for me because I just lost my mom and sister in the past 1 1/2 years, and I tend to look at my brother as being helpless due to his mental illness and his never living on his own before, plus many years of prison for bad drug tests. Discussed that with the counselor who advised that he had been medicated in jail/prison, he knows what it is like and he does have the ability to choose medication over running around homeless and using. My husband and I both agreed that if my brother appeared to be having a "good" mental health day, we could have him at our home to eat, take a bath and maybe do some laundry. No resentments over these agreements.

We made agreements about my son also. We have given him guidelines to follow. If he falls through with any of the chores or commitments, we will write them down, then tell him we don't appreciate it and when can he get to it. We will do this only so many times, then re-negotiate. We will take him into town if he shows up at our home high or we suspect he is using. He is making some strides so time will tell. My husband learned some important things about addiction last night (how addicts aren't really grateful until they reach Step 8 or some other means of recovery). This was HUGE for him, most of his resentment was built up over his views of my son not being grateful and also setting out to personally hurt or disappoint him. He feels quite a bit of relief knowing we have a plan and that we can re-negotiate that plan if needed. She also suggested we obtain the Big Book and read it together.

On a sad note, my counselor, whom I LOVE dearly, is taking a medical leave of absence for probably 4 months. I have been seeing her for over three years and she is more like a life coach to me. I will miss her terribly and even though she has given me alternative names of other counselors to check into during her absence, I just feel sadness and a bit of fear. Kind of like the baby bird leaving the nest...not really but kinda:) I truly pray that she heals and mends, which is of course the most important issue.