Yet another day to be the "heavy"

My son's roomate did not pay the rent (that is the story anyways). He called then came by today wanting to leave his clothes in our garage. He asked me on Friday if he could crash at our house for about a week or until he could figure something out. His step-brother is coming back to town and he thinks they are going to get a place together. I don't know how he thinks that as he has no real employment, no money and is for sure not working a program. When he came by today he brought some girl with him (a recent friend who is pleasent enough). Anyways, I went to my room and he came in to talk. I just am too tired. I was finding it hard to hold my boundaries "with love" today. I basically told him I wasn't sure if he should even leave his stuff here and proceeded to tell him that his comings and goings can not continue, he needs to take any job he can..blah, blah, blah. Basically got up in it instead of holding my tongue until I could speak a loving truth. He left, I cried, my husband called him and told him to bring his clothes and drop them off in the garage (we discussed it and both agreed to that). My husband picked him up later to help him with some chores as he owed us a little money from a bit back and is finishing up paying it off with work. I am tired of my son putting me in the position to have to be the heavy, to tell him he can't stay with us, it just makes me sick to my stomach and sad. I feel so bad for him but also know how bad it is for us when he is here and not really working at it.

I have been thinking about my blog lately and how I write. I am pretty sure I just ramble and envy many of you that have a way of orchastrating your posts so that they read like melting butter. I feel like my writing comes off like a hard boiled egg that you can't peel! But I do write honest and from my heart so it is what it is.

They have blocked our computers at work from any and all social network type sites, so I can't get on at lunch or break and comment much anymore. I will try and do that in the evenings now. What a strange post, must be the full moon and 80 degree weather here.

Friday Flash 55-Unexpected Delivery

A few drops from the sky, she quickly changed into her raingear. The brisk air feeling refreshing and the drops from the sky subsiding made for a beautiful evening walk. With tired muscles and a burning sensation in her tummy, she rounded the corner to home, excited to see the Schwan man across the street!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

NOTE: I have been absent for a bit from the Friday Flash 55 so a bit rusty:) I don't usually order from Schwans but did get some tasty healthy items tonight.

Have a super fantastic weekend everyone!

Being proactive in our own health issues

So much has happened since my last post, but I am going to mainly focus on some decisions I have made regarding my own health. I saw my counselor last night and we had a full session mainly surrounding my health issues. We have done this before but this time, really focused on it and what things I might be able to do about it. I am a pretty proactive person with my own personal doctor and he encourages that. But, as with probably many of you with addicted kids, my physical health has suffered the past few years due to all the stress (also the three deaths in my family).

I have long standing sinus problems and have had numerous tests, surgery, medication, etc. Nothing seems to assist it to the point of me being well. I also believe, after talking with my very holistic therapist, that it is possible that I have some adrenal gland problems going on. I spoke with my physician and he agreed and will be running some tests for that. In the meantime, I have found a sinus specialist nearby and have made an appointment & sent all necessary paperwork to obtain all my records. I have started taking some herbal/natural remedies for some of my stress related ailments (SamE, Fish Oil, PMX...ladies this stuff is great). I know, I know, sharing a bit too much info, but I guess my point is that I am beginning to get to the point to try whatever I need to make myself feel well. I think I am even going to check out some acupuncture again (tried many years ago). I think it is important for us to be a part of our own physical recovery path when nothing the doctors seem to be doing is working. I am tired of suffereing. I will also be working on my mental attitude, have been walking 1/2 hour a day as I can and have ordered a few things to assist me in my weight loss, like the Body Bugg they use on the Biggest Loser.

O.K. now I am just rambling, but I feel a little empowered today and encouraged, motivated even. This is refreshing for me as I have been down and out for quite a while. Thanks to all of you that give me support, you are part of my healing process as well:)

Much gratitude for the following:

1. My blogger community's love and support
2. My overall health could be MUCH worse, so grateful for what God has given me
3. My son is alive
4. My husband is AWESOME
5. My attitude is up
6. The sun is kinda shining
7. The water where I live out of the tap is FANTASTIC!
8. I lost 4 pounds this week
9. Being employed
10. Having transportation, food and shelter

Much love...Renee

Getting real and being a cry baby

I have had an interesting vacation week at our little house by the ocean. I set out from our home last Friday with the full intention of becoming "well", getting in touch with my body and really working at taking care of my physical self and trying to connect it with my mental and spiritual self. Wow, little did I know I would end up feeling physically worse and crying like a baby!

As you know if you have been reading I injured my wrist a couple of weeks ago. The doctor said it was hyperextended/sprained but I still wonder if it isn't broke (he took x-rays). Anyways, I fell several days ago and used my hand to catch me. I fell again today at the beach and tried not to use my hand as a brace again, but I not only ended up using it to brace me but my ass as well. I am generally not this clutsy and was on unsteady footing in both situations. Needless to say I am sore as all get out. I also have a really bad sinus problem and have had much doctoring on it over the years. I have been battling yet another sinus infection while here I believe. I have been walking 1/2 hour a day (I stuck to that), and eating healthier but just feel weak and crappy. And to top it all off I have been having out of the blue crying jags. I realized today that I am just plain sad, sad for my health, for the loss of my mom and sister in the last two years, sad my son is a raging oxy addict and my brother is, well just my brother! Thank God for my husband!

I need to get real right and tell you all that I am scared as hell for my son. It is all coming to the surface again for me right now, the awful fear and plain grief. I am so tired of being sad and so I think I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, which I don't like to do but nonetheless am doing right now.

I know there is nothing I can do for my son but pray and give it to God, try and love him with my boundaries in place, etc. But right now I just want to say screw all of that and grab him, hold him and keep him safe. I hate addiction, I hate that prescription pills are so easily available to our youth and that they are so unaware at the time they first participate in using how addictive opiates are. I am mad, sad and sick.

Nothing has really changed for my son, no recent drama unfolding, no trigger for me to become so upset. I feel so much empathy for his struggle. He often relays that he wants to stop, he tries but he is just not ready I guess. It is just still so hard to believe some days that my sweet son is so ill and there is nothing I can do. He lives the life of an addict, being on probation, passing drug tests (somehow), living off pawning the last of his belongings, selling to get high and pay any bills he is even able to pay. He just moved in with some new friend (girl) and his rent is supposed to be $200.00, plus all the other expenses. I know it won't last long, I know he will use all the illegal money to pay for more drugs. I know he does not believe he needs any type of rehab (he went once for 30 days), he doesn't believe in the 12 step program, he simply is an addict not ready to get clean dammit!

Sorry for the gloom and rambling, but I needed to get this out in writing, get it out somewhere. I just feel so desperate and hopeless right now. I know it will pass and I will become stronger again.

I wonder if this is what allowing yourself to get in touch with your body is supposed to feel like, cause if so I am not so sure I like it much.

Connecting the Mind with the Body

Much has happened since my last post. My wrist still hurts and it amazes me how much a person who is right handed actually uses their left hand for everyday tasks! I am managing and it is slowly healing.

We are on vacation at the coast right now (since this last Friday). The week before we left home was quite eventful to say the least. My brother had one of his bipolar episodes and decided to try and journey down a rain soaked downhill trail. He fell and ended up breaking his collar bone. I won't go into that much other than to say he is healing and there is now a date set for his Social Secuity hearing.

My son came out to our house on Thursday night and asked if he could stay the night with us. He seemed straight and so I allowed him to stay. He shared with me that he bought a few suboxine and was trying to get clean. He expressed his desire to get and stay clean and to stop selling to obtain drugs and/or essentials. I let him speak and bit my tongue as much as I could. He wanted to stay another night with us but I advised him we would be leaving on vacation and he is staying at a place he rented with a friend. We sent him on his way with some left over grocery items we had at the house. I told him I loved him and to do what he needed to get healthy. We had a lot of conversation and most of it I was able to keep my "advice" at bay. He has no job, no money, no food other than what we gave him. He seems so lost, is on probation and they have started testing him more (thank you God).

The peace that comes with just allowing my son to be who he is right now is amazing to me. I still feel great sorrow and sadness for his struggles and that nagging little voice that says he could OD any minute, but I hear it, watch that thought go by and don't react. I have learned so much in a year it just astonishes me. I think my son is pretty blown away by my newfound behaviors (or lack thereof) also.

Even though I have a peaceful feeling as it relates to those around me and not getting up in their business, accepting them and letting go, I still am having difficulty in taking good physical care of myself. So, this week I am walking 1/2 hour a day no matter what and listening to my body during activities, when I eat or decide to do something that sounds fun but may not be what my body needs, etc. I truly need to learn to connect my body, mind and spirit. This has been something I have struggled with my entire life. It has been something I have been aware I struggle with it only the past few years of my life. I pray each day that I will learn to treat myself better and to be aware of my own needs.

I have missed you all and have caught up some on the reading/posting. I will be away until next Monday, then back at work, but for now I am enjoying myself. I find that while on vacations I truly live my life and stay in the present moment, enjoying what comes my way. I am determined to bring this back into my everyday life.

Thanks for all the well wishes on the wrist. My body is talking and telling me to go to bed now, so I am listening.

Good night for now...Renee

Update

Hi everyone. I first wanted to thank you all yet again for the support you show every single time I post. It is such a comforting feeling to know you are all there ready to supply ample amounts of kindness and wisdom!

I hurt my wrist and am getting ready to leave town for a week. I will be catching up on my posting while I am away. Lot's has been going on around me since my last post and I have lots to do before we leave Friday morning. I will catch up with you all soon.

Renee

Trying to get in touch with how I feel

Saturday my son Z came and stayed the night. He was not high and in great spirits. My brother, Z and I had the best time, joking around and laughing all night together. It was a great evening all the way around...until bed time. My son could not find his wallet and was frantically looking for it. I told him to look for it the next day as it was getting late, but he wasn't hearing that. My brother came out of the bedroom and said he spotted it on the bathroom floor (where Z had looked). There ended up being $80 missing and of course my son was furious. He came to me and I told him he could confront my brother but I was going to bed and did not want a big scene right then. He was mad, my brother denied it, but we all went to bed. I told my brother that night if he took the money, to give it back and we would drop it. He again said he didn't do it and we all went to sleep. The next day my brother was gone. My husband found him walking into town and my brother relayed to him what had happened (my husband slept through the whole thing). My brother stayed in town all of Sunday and I did not hear from him. Monday he came by my work and admitted he had done it. We didn't have a lot of time to talk as I was at my job. He came by a second time later in the day and I was very short and angry with him. I told him to be there when I got off work and we would go home and talk about and if he wasn't there right at 5 pm I was leaving promptly. He was not there. I told him earlier that he would need to find a way to fix the issue and I am sure he used the money for drugs but that has not been confirmed. This just sickens me, my brother was doing so very well in our home with us and it looked like he would get off parole after being on it his whole adult life for drug use violations. As you may or may not know he is bipolar and his psych doctor told me that he is like about at a 10-12 year old level as that was when his first breakthough was. I know my son should have no money as he has no job...so draw your own references from that one. I have a counseling session tonight and think I will hit an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. This simply is not how I live my life and shouldn't have to. It is such a shame that a perfectly good day can be thrown into complete sadness and drama with one action. Such has been my life for many years.

Sorry if I rambled, I just needed to get this out of me today. I will be taking care of myself by going to my counselor tonight and a meeting tomorrow night, taking a nice long shower tonight and going to bed early.