January 4, 2011

Falling off the Beam

So it has been quite some time since I have posted on my long lost blog.  I miss my blogging and the community that follows.  I do pop in sometimes and read you all, but lately I am feeling a bit off the beam and I need the support.  My family group and local Al-anon group have all but shut down and I always felt that this blogging community was like going to a meeting anyways!  I will attempt to start writing more so I can move forward in my growth.

Z is living in the next town up from us, working and living with his fiance that he met in rehab.  They are attempting to get an apartment of their own and we have worked on our own relationship quite a bit.  I have finally realized that things are not going to be what I expect or want them to be, but as they are.  Z knows my boundaries and I am more accepting of him and his choices.  We have spent time together at the holidays and it was really nice.  I believe he is still using but that it his stuff, his road to travel and I have plenty on my own road.

Off work for a couple of weeks from yet another surgery and am healing nicely.  I am struggling however with trying to set myself up some type of recovery schedule.  My sleep schedule is completely off and has been for years.  My meditation skills need much work.  I find that I am placing quite a bit of expectation on myself and my recovery even though I know it is practice, not perfection.  So here I sit with some time to work on myself and finding myself sitting and watching TV all day when I am not asleep.  Feeling a little toxic, I know it seems as though I am stuck in the land of self pity today.  Hmmm, something to think about.  I believe I will go off and meditate on that and make myself a nice long gratitude list, then call my sponsor. 

Happy New Year everyone!



Annette said...

Hi Renee! I am so glad to see you here and posting. I have been struggling too and it is taking a lot of effort to get myself back on track. I wonder if it is partly due to the holiday season. So many distractions and things that pull us away from focusing on our program. I think stepping out and posting here is a wonderful first step to nurturing yourself and your program so that your foundation is strong. Welcome back my friend. :o)

Heather's Mom said...

Happy New Year to you. I hope you find a recovery schedule that works for you and that you are healing well :)
Thanks for the update on Z, and thanks for showing how a relationship can exist if we set our boundaries and work on us. I too am coming to terms with as is versus as I wish they were...
Glad to see you back.
God bless.

Kathy M. said...

My dear friend,

Whose meditation program does not need work? Don't we all wonder if we're doing it right? The fact that you suspect your son is using, and recognize that it's his stuff tells me you're not as far off the beam as you suspect. Hang in there. Love you.