So I met with Z and his counselor last night at the Rehab. Of course I prayed all the way there for stength to hold my boundaries in place and was ready to give him what I could offer. I had the phone number to the free sober living facility that is up in the mountains about an hour from our town and also some info on Teen Challenge in Sacramento. I hugged my son when I saw him and it felt so great. I was able to tell him that I placed the boundary about him not coming to live with us for my own personal health and my reasons, not to punish him or because I didn't love him. He seemed proud that he was working on a solution. He will be signing up for general assistance this Wednesday and hopefully that will come through so he can enter the sober living house that he and his counselor have agreed would suit his needs best. He has talked to his probation drug and alcohol counselor who is on board and will be talking to his probation officer to see about getting another probation officer in the county he is currently in to cross watch him. They would then check in on him and report to his current probation officer, allowing him to finish much of his prop. 36 probation requirements in the other county. He is about 30 minutes from where we live in a larger community. I was a bit surprised and delighted for him and me.
He and I struggled a few times during this two hour meeting. I can see we are both triggers for each other, which is kind of sad. I walked away realizing just how sick in my co-dependency I am. I realized several things I said to him made him uneasy and vice/versa. We have had a pretty unhealthy relationship for quite some time and we will have to learn to relate to each other in a respectful manner with boundaries. It was an eye opener replaying it after I left, to see that I am possibly sicker in my communication ways with him than he is. I have work to do, but am willing to do it, so that is key. Overall, I left and we hugged, said our I love yous and out he went. I will pray that the best thing for him will come to pass and that I will have the courage and strength to work hard on my own recovery.
I thank you all for reading and helping me through the gray stuff. It just isn't always black and white! I have been reading all your blogs and posting comments when I can. Some of your blogs I can't post a comment from work. I will be trying to catch up on those in the next couple of nights (Syd and Barbara for sure). Much gratitude to you all, you are all part of my blog family and I cherish you.
Renee
12 comments:
"pretty unhealthy relations for quite some time"
Boy, I never thought about that in that way about my son and I. Thank you, that opens so much more to me than simple father/addict relationship.
Renee -
I'm happy that things went well and will be praying that he gets into the sober living house!
I can see how hard you are working at identifying issues within yourself that you feel need to be worked on and know that you will continue to work on them...but don't forget how far you've come already! Peace, love and prayers!
What an encouraging, uplifting post. Thank you. I am so happy for you.
It is definitely not black and white. If anything, my recovery has helped me appreciate the shades of gray. We all have to find our own way.
It's been amazing to me that when I've agonized over having to say "no," more often than not, my daughter accepted it. And when I stepped out of the way, she found her own solutions. Every single time.
In time, and as I got more recovery, communication got easier. Awareness is the first step. We all do the best we can. When we know better, we do better.
Thanks for your last comment on my blog. I'm grateful for you, too. Love and hugs.
My counselor once said to me it is like a "dance." We partnered with our addict and danced a certain way; and when he/she starts to get healthier, he/she changes his/her dance steps. The rest of us, the family members, have to learn new dance steps so that we aren't stepping all over our partner, the addict, going forward. It's hard to put in words but just visualize this...you and Z danced a 2-step; and as he gets healthier, he will shift to a waltz. What if you continue to try to dance with him doing the 2-step? It will get pretty messy and lots of toes will be stepped on. This visualization helps me in thinking about my relationship with my son; because it is changing and it hasn't been as healthy as I thought it was/wanted it to be. So I'm busy learning new dance steps all the time.
Stay healthy and take care of yourself. You and Z are in my thoughts and my prayers.
This post made my day!! Whoo Hoo!! I am really happy for the realizations you are seeing, but I am also really happy for your son!! He is doing it. He is choosing, picking, sobriety and doing the work to make it happen. Wow...so huge for the both of you!
I remember when it finally hit me that I was *as* sick, if not sicker than my daughter. That was a real turning point for me but also for the both of us. Our relationship really changed and now we operate more as two adult women....not so much as me being the mom and her having to do what I say. It has set us free to enjoy the good stuff about each other and to work individually on our own issues. Not me working on hers and ignoring mine.....because if the truth be told that was how we operated for a long time.
Thanks for sharing Renee!
This is a great post about not only his action but yours as well. I no longer need to react but can actually take actions that are good for me. It takes a while to realize that co-dependency is sick and not a healthy way to have a relationship with another.
....and we cherish you right back!
This is really great news. You are both learning and growing and doing what is best for yourselves!!! You should pat yourself on the back, you've made some great realizations and are doing a good job of working your boundaries...way to go, girl!
Isn't it wonderful when our addicts start demonstrating that they are capable of handling their issues! I just came to the realization with my son that perhaps he has a hard time taking care of his "stuff" because he's never really been allowed to...we have always jumped in where we could and handled things, tried to protect him, save him. Things have changed and he is now having to handle his own consequences, clean up his own messes and just take care of his issues. It's sometimes amazing what happens when we step out of the way even though it's not aleTa easy. I'm a "fixer" which I guess is clue #1 that I too have co-dependant issues!! We're all learning together, one day at a time!! Hugs and prayers for you and Z!!!
Nice to see someone is working on his won recovery and taking his own action! I hope your relationship will become healthy- and you both will heal!
I am here for you, as always!
Jan
You're doing great - really. You will stumble here and there, but like you wrote you are willing to work at it - you ARE working at. Reading your posts I have a lot of faith in you and your abilities. Just knowing where/that you stumbled is big - so are the other observations you made. And the stumbles probably weren't even that big of deal!
So happy he is doing some action on his own. I found with Heather - she's doing things all over on her own without me - I just had to get out of the way.
I continue to pray for you and Z daily - prayers do work :)
God bless.
Renee,
This is so huge! You should be so proud of yourself and of him. Thanks so much for sharing this. I pray that the sober living environment will be exactly what he needs and that you can continue on your own road to recovery. And that you both learn a new dance. (I loved LisaC's analogy!)
Take care of you :)
Carolyn
I can definitely relate to your post. I know so many families who struggle everyday from dealing with addiction. I think it’s important to continue to be supportive. I’ve found Silver Hill Hospital’s adolescent substance abuse treatment program to be very informative. They have a number of treatment programs that encourage family involvement in the recovery process.
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