Connecting the Mind with the Body

Much has happened since my last post. My wrist still hurts and it amazes me how much a person who is right handed actually uses their left hand for everyday tasks! I am managing and it is slowly healing.

We are on vacation at the coast right now (since this last Friday). The week before we left home was quite eventful to say the least. My brother had one of his bipolar episodes and decided to try and journey down a rain soaked downhill trail. He fell and ended up breaking his collar bone. I won't go into that much other than to say he is healing and there is now a date set for his Social Secuity hearing.

My son came out to our house on Thursday night and asked if he could stay the night with us. He seemed straight and so I allowed him to stay. He shared with me that he bought a few suboxine and was trying to get clean. He expressed his desire to get and stay clean and to stop selling to obtain drugs and/or essentials. I let him speak and bit my tongue as much as I could. He wanted to stay another night with us but I advised him we would be leaving on vacation and he is staying at a place he rented with a friend. We sent him on his way with some left over grocery items we had at the house. I told him I loved him and to do what he needed to get healthy. We had a lot of conversation and most of it I was able to keep my "advice" at bay. He has no job, no money, no food other than what we gave him. He seems so lost, is on probation and they have started testing him more (thank you God).

The peace that comes with just allowing my son to be who he is right now is amazing to me. I still feel great sorrow and sadness for his struggles and that nagging little voice that says he could OD any minute, but I hear it, watch that thought go by and don't react. I have learned so much in a year it just astonishes me. I think my son is pretty blown away by my newfound behaviors (or lack thereof) also.

Even though I have a peaceful feeling as it relates to those around me and not getting up in their business, accepting them and letting go, I still am having difficulty in taking good physical care of myself. So, this week I am walking 1/2 hour a day no matter what and listening to my body during activities, when I eat or decide to do something that sounds fun but may not be what my body needs, etc. I truly need to learn to connect my body, mind and spirit. This has been something I have struggled with my entire life. It has been something I have been aware I struggle with it only the past few years of my life. I pray each day that I will learn to treat myself better and to be aware of my own needs.

I have missed you all and have caught up some on the reading/posting. I will be away until next Monday, then back at work, but for now I am enjoying myself. I find that while on vacations I truly live my life and stay in the present moment, enjoying what comes my way. I am determined to bring this back into my everyday life.

Thanks for all the well wishes on the wrist. My body is talking and telling me to go to bed now, so I am listening.

Good night for now...Renee

Update

Hi everyone. I first wanted to thank you all yet again for the support you show every single time I post. It is such a comforting feeling to know you are all there ready to supply ample amounts of kindness and wisdom!

I hurt my wrist and am getting ready to leave town for a week. I will be catching up on my posting while I am away. Lot's has been going on around me since my last post and I have lots to do before we leave Friday morning. I will catch up with you all soon.

Renee

Trying to get in touch with how I feel

Saturday my son Z came and stayed the night. He was not high and in great spirits. My brother, Z and I had the best time, joking around and laughing all night together. It was a great evening all the way around...until bed time. My son could not find his wallet and was frantically looking for it. I told him to look for it the next day as it was getting late, but he wasn't hearing that. My brother came out of the bedroom and said he spotted it on the bathroom floor (where Z had looked). There ended up being $80 missing and of course my son was furious. He came to me and I told him he could confront my brother but I was going to bed and did not want a big scene right then. He was mad, my brother denied it, but we all went to bed. I told my brother that night if he took the money, to give it back and we would drop it. He again said he didn't do it and we all went to sleep. The next day my brother was gone. My husband found him walking into town and my brother relayed to him what had happened (my husband slept through the whole thing). My brother stayed in town all of Sunday and I did not hear from him. Monday he came by my work and admitted he had done it. We didn't have a lot of time to talk as I was at my job. He came by a second time later in the day and I was very short and angry with him. I told him to be there when I got off work and we would go home and talk about and if he wasn't there right at 5 pm I was leaving promptly. He was not there. I told him earlier that he would need to find a way to fix the issue and I am sure he used the money for drugs but that has not been confirmed. This just sickens me, my brother was doing so very well in our home with us and it looked like he would get off parole after being on it his whole adult life for drug use violations. As you may or may not know he is bipolar and his psych doctor told me that he is like about at a 10-12 year old level as that was when his first breakthough was. I know my son should have no money as he has no job...so draw your own references from that one. I have a counseling session tonight and think I will hit an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. This simply is not how I live my life and shouldn't have to. It is such a shame that a perfectly good day can be thrown into complete sadness and drama with one action. Such has been my life for many years.

Sorry if I rambled, I just needed to get this out of me today. I will be taking care of myself by going to my counselor tonight and a meeting tomorrow night, taking a nice long shower tonight and going to bed early.