Past, Present, Future--Friday Flash 55

The trauma of the past came up often, memories like post-it notes stuck all over thoughts.  Often thinking of the future, what could be, should be, won't be.  Whirling thoughts shifting like the wind in the mind.  A child laughs, suddenly all is still, the post-it notes taken with the wind--it is the present.

I counted post-it as one word:)  Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-Man!

Pay or Appear---Oops!

So Zach had a court date this past Monday.  It was for a pay fine or appear.  He knew about the date because he had mentioned it to us a few times in the past month or so.  He didn't go.  I presume he forgot or just thought it was no big deal.  He has the money saved for the fine, just didn't show.  So, they revoked probation and issued a warrant.  Boy oh boy, today was he scrambling about.  He ran right down to the store to get a money order for the court, then called me to find out where to take it (I work at the court).  That is the only help I gave him, directed him to the right building.  He now needs to contact his attorney and put the case on calendar and go before the Judge.  It will be interesting to see how well he does in this whole process without any assistance.  Oh, and he did call me at work last minute today to see if I could take a break and give him a ride to College.  I told him no and that he could walk, which is what he proceeded to do.  Baby steps!

Full Moon Rising

For many years I have shared a dance with my son, the dance of anger and resentment.  He pushes my buttons, I react, he reacts and so on.  I had done quite a bit of work on this and was doing well to sit with my emotions, not react immediately, just be a "watcher" so to speak.  As of late, I am finding myself bitter, angry and resentful of my son and quite frankly, acting it out on him.  I can't seem to be very nice to him at all, and have been ripping into him without him saying a word to set me off.  Today he asked for a ride home during my lunch hour so he could get some homework done.  I did so, with much traffic interruptions and me rushing along like a maniac.  When I came home from work he wanted a ride back into town to go bowling with some friends (non-addicts).  He had called me at work to ask first and I told him I would.  I found out he didn't do any of the homework that is due (mind you, it is HIS homework). I started in on him letting him know how sick of it all I was.  How he needs to grow up or get out.  How he needs to blah, blah, blah and some more blah!  I told him how we didn't have a real realtionship, it was based on his needing me to do things for him, nothing else.  How I was tired of being used and ready to live my life a bit more for myself.  On and on I went, the whole drive of 15 minutes to the bowling alley.  He has not been staying at home this past week, couch surfing I presume.  To make this shorter, I felt my words to some degree were my honest feelings, but some were just hurtful and my delivery was full of Anger!  I am not really beating myself up but feeling like that is not the best way to "support" my son who I want to get well.  I am becoming the bitter co-dependent and can't seem to help myself lately.  I also have gained over 30 pounds in the last two years, food is my addiction.  I need to be more honest with myself about how I have been using food to stave off my emotions, or avoid feeling at all.  I know the things I need to do but can't seem to muster the strength or motivation to do them.  So who am I to talk to my addict son about just getting better and stopping his drug abuse, when I am abusing food?  I mean, we have to eat to live, don't have to do drugs to live, but come on, over 30 pounds of emotional eating and no exercise.  That is not healthy living either.  So maybe I am beating myself up at bit....the moon is full and I feel like howling.