Mom trying to Detach With Love

Vulnerable and Sad

2011-05-30T01:32:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, long time no post!

I have been traveling around tonight checking in on some of my blog families and it made me realize I am having a bit of a hard time myself right now.

I stopped in over at Heather's Mom's blog and came to a few realizations. I was reminded of how often I am too busy to take care of myself. Too busy to blog or work on my own issues. It is a coping mechanism I have used my whole life, stay busy so I don't have to look at my own sadness or anger or accept that my son is an active opiate addict and may stay that way or get well, but I have no power in the situation. I have known this about myself for quite awhile but often get "too busy" to do anything about it, to keep it in check or just plain surrender and allow myself to just rest. I can be sitting still and be busy. It is an excuse that keeps me numb and stuck. I can beat myself up all over the place, am doing some of that in this post, but at some point I hope my awareness pushes me to help myself more and more.

I paid Sherry a visit also tonight. I was reminded of the many times I tried to rescue my mother from the abuse of my addicted brothers and her severe co-dependence. I was reminded of how many of us go through so much addiction and co-dependency growing up and the cycle it creates. The sadness of watching my mother for years be verbally and sometimes physically abused is still stuck in that hard, black rock feeling in the pit of my stomach...the place I keep many things and that which keeps my body from flowing in a healthy way.

I also stopped by Lisa's blog tonight and was reminded that even when our addicted kids get healthy and have some recovery behind them, it doesn't make everything all better, sometimes we allow life to just get in our way of happiness. I have been pretty sad lately, thinking it is probably depression. I lack motivation to get up and go to work, exercise, eat right, or even visit with my husband at night. I find myself isolating but have been telling myself it is what I need right now. I am on an anti-depressant, minerals, vitamins, etc., but sometimes the blues just want to stick around. I am trying to allow myself a certain amount of wallowing but at times am in fear that it will swallow me.

I have been going to Al-anon meetings once a week and sometimes lead the meeting. I am not doing my meditation or reading and it shows in this post. I really think God led me to this blog again tonight, to help me remind myself what I already know.

My son is still actively using, not sure exactly what as he lives 30 miles from me. He is depressed and still living with the girl he met in rehab who is also actively using. They are using prescription pills for sure and I suspect my son may be using herion as the oxycontin is getting quite scarce and expensive. I think he finally understands that I am distancing myself from him to some degree. I hear that desperation in his voice when I talk with him. He asked if he and the girlfriend could come and stay next weekend at our house, no drugs and just to visit. I told him I would not help him financially as they both lost their jobs and will probably be homeless soon. I try to spend time with him when I can for as long as I can stand it. I try really hard to accept him as he is, but as you all know, that is a hard, hard thing.

I really have a ton to be grateful for. After almost a year with my sponsor, I still do a gratitude list and try to work the Al-anon program, but my old coping skills (disease) like to pop up and distract me...keep me good and BUSY.

So I know I am rambling now and forgive me for being so darn busy as not to keep up on my blogging. I am hoping to get less busy what the fluff and start really getting busy dealing with my own stuff.

I love you all and am still so grateful to have this community to come to and get a reality check. I pray for each of you and your families often.

Renee

Another struggling parent

2011-04-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

I stopped in to do some reading and try to catch up a little and found a comment from another struggling parent of an addict. Please stop by and show her some support.
http://tinaluckenbach.blogspot.com/2011/04/detachment-love-and-forgiveness.html

Reevaluating my Priorites

2011-01-23T23:53:00.000-08:00

Recently I had discovered a program where I could return to college to obtain my B.A. Degree in 16 months, with only one evening class a week. After completing this program, I would be able to complete my Masters through the very same program with a few additional evening classes after work. I was very excited several months ago about this prospect and was told I needed intermediate algebra to get into the program. I took the course through the university (never had touched an algebra problem) and ended up doing very well, but it sure added a ton of stress to me physically and affected all other arenas of my life. I then found out I have about 28 undergraduate credits to complete along with the program. I decided I would put off the university and pick away at some online courses through our local community college until I could have enough units and go into the university program clean and fresh.

So, off I go, my little happy Al-anon self, taking on 9 units on top of my full time job that has had major administrative changes in the last three months, including the retirement of two judges and the court executive officer, essentially putting a whole new admin in place. I found very quickly how stressed I was when opening my online course to look and see what was going to be expected of me. I must admit, I thought it was going to be a little of a cake walk (there go those expectation:) . It was not, the work load was massive for my schedule right now and I could feel my tension growing. I kept putting pressure on myself, starting spinning out of control, pure fear that I would fail. I then realized something. I will be working at my current job for a minimum of 9 more years. I have time, something I never have allowed myself once I get an idea or goal, got to get it done, done as quickly as possible and with outstanding grades. I prayed about it, and realized I had not purchased my books yet and that I would drop one class. Before the end of the week, I dropped them all. I have the book for one of the classes and will start that in the Summer semester and see how I do with online courses.

I guess my point in all this gibberish is that I allowed myself a break from the very high expectations I placed on myself at this point. I just had surgery, just returned to work this past week and have a 12 day vacation planned in February, I simply am not in the right frame of mind to start my schooling. I realized it was not my priority right now. My priority is to work on my program on a daily basis. This is something I have a hard time with. I need to treat my program like a class that I really enjoy with some homework. The class is the meetings, sponsor meetings, counseling meetings and this blog. The homework is always where I get stuck. That is the follow-through work, the reading, the meditation, the self care, etc. When I am on track and doing the best I can, I see and feel the positive changes it makes in my life. So again, I am learning that I can still return to school, but it is not an emergency for me, and I want to return to school and enjoy it this time around. I want it to be on my terms, not because I need to hash out a career path so I can pay bills and support my son as a single mom. I have the freedom to never return to school again if I so choose. It is not all or nothing, and the more I am learning that, the better I feel about myself and trust myself. It is a great feeling.

Blessings to you all,

Renee

Banging Your Head Against the Wall Over and Over

2011-01-10T01:08:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was doing some reading out of my "Hope for Today" and flipped to a reading that really struck me. I will not quote it completely verbatim but loosely.

Could it be that all the pain and suffering I have been going through with Z for the past several years could have all been his fault? Through Al-anon meetings, my sponsor and counseling sessions I have come to understand that I must take responsibility for my own peace and happiness.

Early in my own recovery I would often bring the same questions/problems to my sponsor, counselor or bring them up in meetings. I would often liken it to hitting my head against the same wall over and over, that is what it felt like what I was doing. I kept trying to "fix" the problems of my son's addiction by doing the same exact thing every time without it ever working, sometimes making things much worse.

From today's reading there is an expression that was given that reads "an addicts behavior and your response the first time it happens is a fluke, second is a coincidence, and three times is a pattern."

What did this mean for me? If I was still suffering in reaction to Z's specific behavior that has happened over three times, I needed to stop hoping the behavior would cease and instead, detach and start changing my attitudes, expectations and responses.

I have been able to see my own suffering was as a result of my own reactions to others which has helped me to be aware of my contribution to the problem. Sometimes my part is bringing up something better left unsaid (like hey son, you look a little pale today; oh, so you are really doing well even though your pupils look like pin needles), etc. Or sometimes I would start a serious conversation at an inappropriate time (this happened too many times to count and at too many locations to list). Other times my part is harboring unrealistic expectations of others (especially Z) and of myself also. When I am willing and aware and can see my part of the pattern, I can choose to respond in a way that will not cause me suffering. There is no need to suffer because of the behaviors of others, I can only change my responses and attitude, which allows me to enjoy my own life.

"Thought for the Day": The next time I react to another's behavior, I'll ask myself how many times I've reacted the same way before. (If I am always reacting, then I am never free)"

I must say that a little over a year ago, if you would have told me I would be writing something like this I would have thought you were a little crazy. I mean come on, me being the problem, he is the addict! What responsibility other than the guilt of creating an addict (which I know now is not my fault). The relationship I had with my son one year ago is so very different than the one I have with him today. We laugh and joke, I almost never get up in his life journey (notice I said almost as we all slip). The pattern talked about above in the reading is so very true and I believe one of the most important elements in parents moving forward from their pain over their addicted loved one and the addict taking responsibility for their own journey and path they are on. The pattern between Z and I was completely diseased for many years. I don't think it has changed his addiction, but it has changed our relationship and a much deeper understanding of each other, compassion for each other and boundaries that are understood by each other. I thank God and am so grateful for getting to a place where it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I choose to have a relationship with my son whether he is clean or sober, again with boundaries. He knows not to come to my home completely stoned out of his mind anymore. Most days when I speak with him I can actually understand his words now and we both speak with much more respect towards one another. This has made a HUGE difference in both of our lives, how happy we are, how much more peaceful life is and how much we love each other openly. Acceptance that my son could be an active addict for the rest of his life, grieving that and then deciding if I wanted him in my life on life's terms was essential to me getting to this place. Z is doing better than he has in years and is proud of himself. I am doing better than I have in years and am also proud of myself. I think for me, this is what it is about.

So much gratitude to this blog community, my sponsor, my counselor and the Al-Anon program for helping me to get this far. To helping me break the pattern.

Renee

Falling off the Beam

2011-01-04T17:35:00.000-08:00

So it has been quite some time since I have posted on my long lost blog. I miss my blogging and the community that follows. I do pop in sometimes and read you all, but lately I am feeling a bit off the beam and I need the support. My family group and local Al-anon group have all but shut down and I always felt that this blogging community was like going to a meeting anyways! I will attempt to start writing more so I can move forward in my growth.

Z is living in the next town up from us, working and living with his fiance that he met in rehab. They are attempting to get an apartment of their own and we have worked on our own relationship quite a bit. I have finally realized that things are not going to be what I expect or want them to be, but as they are. Z knows my boundaries and I am more accepting of him and his choices. We have spent time together at the holidays and it was really nice. I believe he is still using but that it his stuff, his road to travel and I have plenty on my own road.

Off work for a couple of weeks from yet another surgery and am healing nicely. I am struggling however with trying to set myself up some type of recovery schedule. My sleep schedule is completely off and has been for years. My meditation skills need much work. I find that I am placing quite a bit of expectation on myself and my recovery even though I know it is practice, not perfection. So here I sit with some time to work on myself and finding myself sitting and watching TV all day when I am not asleep. Feeling a little toxic, I know it seems as though I am stuck in the land of self pity today. Hmmm, something to think about. I believe I will go off and meditate on that and make myself a nice long gratitude list, then call my sponsor.

Happy New Year everyone!

Renee

To Let Go

2010-09-06T00:50:00.000-07:00

To Let Go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To Let Go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.
To Let Go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about.
To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To Let Go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcome.
To Let Go is not to be protective, it is to permit others to face reality.
To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.
To Let Go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To Let Go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To Let Go is to fear less and love more.

Someone shared this with me some time back. I had a hard day and happened to pull it out of my drawer and read it. It helped me today and I hope it touches someone else who may need it.

Renee

Waiting Works

2010-08-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to say Hi and share something I went through today. I have been missing my son and haven't heard from him in about five days. He is still living in the town about 30 minutes from us, states he is working, still on Suboxone as he can afford it and hanging with the girlfriend from rehab. Although I know he has relapsed on a few days I have seen him, I know he also has his good days....his business, his recovery.

Anyways, today I was missing him, wondering about how he is doing and just wanting to hear his voice, but struggling with whether I should "dial for pain". I held off, read some blogs and comments, prayed and prayed and focused on my work. A few minutes later, I received a text message from him with a super cute picture of him and his girlfriend. It touched me that God had sent me something to relived my mind to some degree. I texted him that it was a nice picture and that he looked happy and went on with my day.

He just called me and we had the best 20 minute conversation of our lives. Nothing negative, all positive and all about what we were up to individually, nothing about his addiction. It was fantastic and I feel so happy just from that little bit of wonderful conversation with my son.

Sometimes if we sit back and wait, wait it out when we aren't sure what to do, and pray, things have a way of just coming to us and working out.

Reading and commenting when I can, miss you all!

Renee

LOVE/FEAR

2010-07-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

I love the following two acronyms about Love and Fear:

LOVE = Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve
FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real

Just a little share and a reminder to myself to step out of the way of my son's path so he can evolve, and to watch those expectations because they can easily bring about the fear.

Renee

Prayers that help me for those that pray

2010-07-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

I know I said I am taking off for the Summer but I will post a few times I believe...I just felt the need to post this today. I found a couple of prayers that spoke to me and make me feel at ease during the darker times. I will share them both below:

#1
Dear God

My heart is aching and I need your strength.
I pray that You will fill my heart with love and courage and strength; I pray that you will let me feel your presence in this dark time.
I pray that my child will feel how much love surrounds him/her.
I feel boundless love for him. I think of him as a little boy splashing in the tub, and my heart breaks to see him as he has become. I love him so much, and I know that You love him more than I ever can.
Please, let him feel this love.
Please let him use this love to break free from drugs.
Please show both of us the path we must walk.
Amen

#2
Dear God
I am powerless and my life is unmanageable without your help and guidance.
I come to you today because I believe that You can restore and anew me to meet my needs today.
Since I cannot manage my life and affairs, I have decided to give them to You.
I put my life, my will, my thoughts, my desires and ambitions in Your hands.
I give You all of me: the good and the bad, the character defects and shortcomings,my selfishness, resentments and problems. I know that You will work them out in accordance with Your plan.
Such as I am, take and use me in Your service. Guide and direct my ways and show me what to do for You.
I cannot control or change my friends or loved ones, so I release them into Your care
for Your loving hands to do with as You will. Just keep me loving and free from judging them.
If they need changing, God You'll have to do it; I can't. Just make me willing and ready to be of service to You, to have my shortcomings removed, and to do my best. Help me to see how I have harmed others and make me willing to make amends to them all. Keep me ever mindful of thoughts and actions that harm myself and others, and which separate me from Your light, love and spirit. And when I commit these errors, make me aware of them and help me to admit each one promptly. I am seeking to know You better, to love You more.I am seeking the knowledge of Your will for me and the power to carry it out.Lord, teach me patience,
and remind me that it is hard work, but well worth the labor. Guide me in all I do to remember that waiting is the answer to some of my prayers, and that when I need You,You will be there to help me.

Amen

We will for always remember our grown children as the innocent laughing souls they were, and it hurts us deeply when we see them in pain. Pray for love; pray that they feel God's love.

I pray you all have a wonderful joy-filled day!

Renee

Taking a Break

2010-07-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

I have not posted here in over a month. I have been trying to stay caught up in reading your posts and sometimes commenting. I will continue to do that but am going to take a break from posting on my blog until Summer has concluded. I have had many plans on the weekends that have taken me away from my computer and I just feel I need a break. I will be back though, just a warning;) Love and peace, Renee

Share of an Important Post

2010-06-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

I was over at "Her Big Sad's" blog today and read the best post! I think it is a must read for any parent with a child suffering from addiction. Here is the link:
http://herbigsad.blogspot.com/2010/06/two-posts-in-day-sheesh.html

Post at "INTERVENE...A Community for Parents"

2010-06-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

I wrote a short piece some time back for the blog "INTERVENE...A Community for Parents". I have posted the link below for those interested in checking it out. I think the site is a great source of information for parents of addicts.

http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/06/overcoming-denial-finding-myself-again-amidst-my-son%e2%80%99s-drug-addiction/

A second job and some slips?

2010-06-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

I will make this post short as I am at work. My son now has two jobs, the one at Jack in the Box and another full time job in the daytime putting up awnings for patios. He is working seven days a week from 8-4 p.m. and will maybe work a couple of evenings at the other place. He is also playing softball for an NA team on Friday nights, so this is all positive but does not leave a lot of time for his program and he is still pretty fresh.

I picked him up for a BBQ we had for Father's Day yesterday. He has a "girlfriend" who also recently went through the same rehab he did but is now living in a woman's sober living house. It smells like trouble to me and I overheard him talking to his sponsor in the car, sounds like he is discouraging it, but Z isn't having it. She seems nice but has many heavy issues and her drug of choice is the same as Z's. He also seemed a bit "off" last night, like he was high. I am not sure if Suboxone can make someone seem high or not. I am supposed to talk to the doctor/nurse that is supplying him with it so they can clear up some questions for me. I tried to bite my tongue and did a pretty good job of it. The girl came with him to dinner and it all went well, he was just off at the end of the night.

It makes me a bit nervous, but I will just continue to pray and let go, pray, and let go......Not my business, keep my own side of the street clean. Stay out of his way, so he can live out his journey in God's will and time, not mine. Whew, hard sometimes, but I am getting better at taking care of me.

Just felt I had to get this out. Hope everyone is doing well, I have been reading and posting comments often. Going to a meeting tonight and family group on Wednesday, sponsor call on Tuesday, hoping to start my first step.

Renee

He got a job

2010-06-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

I returned to work this Monday after two weeks off from surgery. The second week off I was feeling better and worked on some spiritual reading and prayer. I was so positive from that and felt better each day. I will continue to work on it daily it just won't be as much time as I was able to do. I find that I have been feeling a bit resentful since last night of little stuff. I really need to search myself on this, because I get angry with my loved ones (husband lately) over small stuff that is really about resentment. Then I figure it out and relay that to him. I just have really noticed that I have a pretty big problem with resentment and the "it's not fair" type of stuff. Pity party time!! Ha:)

On a lighter note Z called the other day and got a job, first one in probably a couple of years. I am very happy for him and told him how proud we were. He downplayed it because it is at Jack in the Box, but I told him a job is a job, who cares, plus he likes their food...he laughed and said "well that is true". He says he will continue looking for a better job while he works. As of late at work, many parents are sharing their pride in their kids graduating and going off to college or great jobs. I, as I am sure many of you also do, sit quietly and listen, never sharing about my boy. So I am happy to share here with you all since you understand how proud I am of him today.

Not posting a lot, trying to get back in the groove of the work thing, but am reading and trying to comment. Hope you all have a great rest of the week.

Renee

Family Dinner/Suboxone and the Needle

2010-06-11T01:55:00.000-07:00

Today was my husband's birthday. I made him a carrot cake with creme cheese frosting from scratch (turned out yummy). We all ended up going to an old favorite steak house of the family. Since my son lives in the town where this restaurant is located he agreed to get there early and get us a table, which worked out nice. Everyone got along at the dinner and much laughter was had by all. Our boys seemed to find some peace and that made our evening very special.

My son shared a few things with me at dinner that were pretty private. He went today to get tested for AIDS, Hep. C, etc. He seemed a bit concerned. I did ask him "well you never shot up did you:?" He has always told me he never had, nor would. Tonight he shared he had, said only a few times, but that probably means one too many times for my little ol heart to be comfortable with. I didn't respond much and he also indicated he is currently on suboxone. He has been attending many meetings and does have a sponsor and is working on step one. He is living in a sober living house. So the needle and suboxone things took me off guard. He stated that the doctor who prescribes the suboxone is all for family support and will meet with any interested family at any time to explain the drug and answer any fears. I know quite a bit about suboxone but told my son I thought that would be a great idea and lets set that up. He was calm, polite, funny and seemed happier and healthier than he has in quite some time. To be truthful with all of you, even though I let him speak, offered the kind "hmm", or that's good type of response, I am scared about the needles and the suboxone, but I know there is nothing I can do but continue to give him over to HIS higher power and let go, live in the present and enjoy the many blessings of today.

Thoughts of Madison and broken heart for Katie

2010-06-09T02:25:00.000-07:00

Many of you who have blogged for awhile will remember Madison. She had to retire from our blogging community for personal reasons, but I do miss her terribly. She had such a beautiful way with words, so soothing and would always make me feel safe and hopeful. I remember she put an analogy on one of her posts and I can't quote it verbatim but it was something like the following:

"My husband and I have a "pretend" mote around our house. When our addicts shows decides to show up with what will invariably be some type of drama or request for services, we decide if we will choose to put the draw bridge down over the mote to let them in. It is a way for us to keep the peace in our house, keep our boundaries and ourselves safe."

I just loved it along with practically everything else she would share. So for those that remember Madison, send her a loving thought and maybe she will feel us all thinking of her beautiful soul.

On another note, I have been following a blog that I believe Sherry alerted me to. I have been reading for about a month now and it is a tragic story of a family loss of their addicted son. The mother's name is Katie and she is a professional blogger. Her writing is so raw and honest, fearless. She is truly an inspiration to me, I just want to reach out to her somehow. Please check out her personal blog which follows her son Henry's beating and overdose, along with his month long battle in the hospital before his death. Now they are having some issues with the criminal investigation over the beating that are proving to be very frustrating. She shares with such love, you end up knowing Henry like he is a neighbor kid or a friend of the family. I feel truly blessed that she is sharing her story. The beginning of Henry's tragic end starts here. Please stop by if you get a chance to read through her beautiful yet painful blog and offer her some support. I will continue to follow her and forever be changed by her story.

Thanks everyone, and Madison, if you are out there in disguise, stop by and just say Hi....I will know:)

Update on several past posts

2010-06-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

I was reading some of my older posts to review the journey I have been on, the support I have received and to just reflect. I wanted to give a quick update from some of those posts as I know I like to know how your loved ones and you are doing after some type of situation/crisis. I wanted you all to know that I did not break on the cell phone and my son to date does not have his turned on. Surprise, he is able to get a hold of his sponsor on a daily basis, which I figured. I did offer to purchase him some bus passes (he did not ask me for this). He was excited about that and thought it would be a good idea since he will need to be looking for work. He has settled into the sober living house but thinks his cash aid will not come through due to the possibility of the hanging felony (which will be dropped if he completes his probation). We discussed that and he stated he has a month to find work so I am hoping he can find something. I did purchase his N.A. books for him and we bought him a few groceries for the sober living place. I do not feel like I am enabling him with doing these things, maybe I am, but it felt good to offer something to him that I was o.k. with and had no expectations from. When he is working hard at his sobriety, I find myself wanting to offer some type of "hand up" to him, something I can live with.

I had to go to the town where he is living today for my post op appointment and we stopped by and took Z for a burger, then dropped him off at the rehab facility for a meeting. I am really starting to try and work on myself. I have a great sponsor, am finishing a reading assignment and hope to start working my steps soon. My relationship with God has become stronger and I find great comfort at the family group Al-Anon meetings I am attending.

I look back at my past posts and see the growth that both myself and my son have gone through. I know we both have a long way to go and really there is no true destination, it is just a continued growing and learning process of life. I am starting to allow some hope into my life, some positivity, which has long been missing. I look forward to the work ahead of me and working on myself instead of distracting my own issues with trying to fix other people. I don't think I would be to this point without having found this blogging community. My truth growth and open mindedness started with this blog and all of you. I love you guys!

Renee

You're Fired!

2010-06-03T00:43:00.000-07:00

I went to my counseling meeting and family group meeting tonight. I shared at both that I am now so aware of my negative future projective thinking and it is scary how much time I can spend doing it! As you know my son is now out of the rehab in in a sober living facility. He has 41 days clean and he seems to really be giving it his best. I have noticed lately that I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to be let down yet again. I have been thinking soooo much that I have even questioned how good my distraction methods are, how good my prayer is, blah, blah, blah...I could go on forever.

Anyways, my counselor told me basically it wasn't rocket science and when I caught myself thinking obsessively, then to distract with any number of the tools I have learned. So then I go off to the family meeting and share my frustration at how crazy I feel and how hard it is to stop the stupid thoughts. A woman at the meeting who is a recovering addict said several things that made since to me. She is a tough woman who has four years clean and likes to tell it like it is. She said when I am thinking uncontrolably, to not only give it to my higher power but to realize they are just thoughts and go to the mirror, look at myself and say "you're fired". I LOVE this, it just says it all. I am fired, I suck at being the boss and need to let the true boss, God, take over (not that I was ever truly in control).

I hope I am not rambling too much but I was just super excited by this little gem and had to share, hope it helps someone else out there with "stinking thinking".

Renee

Another New Parent

2010-06-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Please stop by to show this Mom some support.

Trying to have Patience!

2010-06-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

I have never been a very patient person, especially when it comes to my own healing. This is something I must work on and learn to just accept. I am feeling pretty icky after the surgery, not sure if it is the antibiotics or pain meds, but something is making me feel yucky. I know, I know, just had surgery Renee, takes time. I have been resting a lot, doing pretty much nothing but what I am told, but still struggling just releasing into it and letting time heal me, somehow I fight even being down.

Update on Z. He left the Rehab after 38 days yesterday to a sober living house 30 minutes from where we live in the next town over. As you may recall he was only able to get funding for 30 days through his probation/drug program because he was "doing so well" on the Prop. 36 program. The rehab gave him and extra 8 days and the sober living house is working with him until his assistance/job come through. I am proud of him for making these choices and proud of me for giving him the dignity to do it on his own, in his own power without any of my real "help" or "fixing". I am nervous and continue to fight negative future projecting thoughts. I know that all I have is the NOW, and that is the only thing. Right NOW my son is living on his own terms in a sober living house with 39 days clean. That is it. I pray each and every day that God keep providing my son with good solid mentors and support people to assist in his conquering his addiction. I ask the same for myself with my codependent issues. My son does have a sponsor and is working the steps. All I can do is have hope this is his time to get well and let it go.

I have been reading a lot and trying to comment. So much going on with everyone. I wanted to thank Dad for his post here, it was very helpful and the dialogue we all have is so important to our growth. I have grown so much since I first started blogging, it is fascinating to me to go back and read earlier posts compared to current posts. It gives me hope. I have not been writing as much as I am trying to heal physically, but you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during my down time, now please just pray that I will have the patience to give myself time to heal. Hope you all have a great week ahead.

Much Love and gratitude to you all.

Renee

And the grief work & guilt continues

2010-05-27T20:58:00.000-07:00

I went to the family group meeting at the rehab my son is at last night with my husband. It was odd but last night everyone seemed to be in a down funky mood. Much was discussed about mothers/fathers and our relationships with them, or lack thereof, the regrets for mistakes made and taking parents for granted. After the meeting we spoke with my son and of course he asked me for something, it just seems never ending. He wanted to do some work for us to get his cell phone turned on for a month. He is leaving the rehab on Monday for a sober living house. He told me he needed the phone because he would be looking for work and he couldn't give out the house number to prospective employers. He told me he wouldn't be able to call his sponsor everyday or stay in touch with us. I told him no and he became upset and we parted. He called after we arrived home to apologize and then explain some more why he needed the phone, I again said I couldn't help him with it. He called back again and it ended badly. By the third phone call I almost didn't answer, but I did. He apologized again, but much more sincerely and we left it at that. I cried all the way home. As a mother, it just doesn't feel right ever to tell my son I can't help him with something, even if I know he is probably lying to me about the need. I held my ground, but I am sad. I am sad that I have to question every move I make with him to keep myself in check, make sure I am not enabling, not reacting out of my own fear, or fear of feeling guilt and fear. It has been exhausting saying no but I am getting through it. I just pray that I will get better at knowing when I should say no and when I should reach out and lend a hand.

Surgery in the morning, thank you all for the well wishes, say a prayer around 10 am PST for me:) I will be checking in while I am off work and miss you all.

Renee

Down Time

2010-05-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

It is interesting to me that I haven't posted anything recently as much has been going on. I think I am just really tired, I have had stuff going on after work lately, and trying to just work on myself. Sometimes I wonder if I am isolating when I don't post--then I realize I am just darn tired!

I am having surgery this Friday on my sinuses and will be off work for a bit, so I am hoping after some much needed rest, I will be able to catch up here. I have been reading and trying to post comments (certain blogs I am unable to post comments on at work, others I can). Please know that I am reading and you are all in my thoughts daily.

I have been going to meetings and have found the family group meeting at Z's rehab to be my new "home meeting" even though it is farther away and later in the evening, it is where I get my needs met the most. I am hitting some local meetings and it has been very helpful. I used to think that the 12 step program just wasn't for me, that I didn't really need the help, my son needed the help. Then ~~a lightning bolt hit me in the head~~ I hit my bottom and that all changed. It is amazing to me that just by being open minded and willing to try and work the program the changes it has brought for me.

My son visited us on a pass Sunday and there were some difficult moments. I was pretty much up in his stuff and things were getting muddled. I realized after a bit that I was reacting out of my own fear and insecurities and picked up the phone and called my sponsor. I am so proud of myself for doing that, it is amazing how we don't ask for help for ourselves and how uncomfortable that is in the beginning, but boy did it help! Bottom line is I want a relationship with my son, whether he is using or not, working or not, whatever or not. That does not have to include enabling him and I look forward to accepting more, being more willing and learning how to detach with love, to love him no matter what, but still not getting in his way. O.K. so now I am rambling:) I will try to write more because there is so much to share. I love sharing with my online support family, you guys Rock!

Renee

He is taking some action!

2010-05-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

So I met with Z and his counselor last night at the Rehab. Of course I prayed all the way there for stength to hold my boundaries in place and was ready to give him what I could offer. I had the phone number to the free sober living facility that is up in the mountains about an hour from our town and also some info on Teen Challenge in Sacramento. I hugged my son when I saw him and it felt so great. I was able to tell him that I placed the boundary about him not coming to live with us for my own personal health and my reasons, not to punish him or because I didn't love him. He seemed proud that he was working on a solution. He will be signing up for general assistance this Wednesday and hopefully that will come through so he can enter the sober living house that he and his counselor have agreed would suit his needs best. He has talked to his probation drug and alcohol counselor who is on board and will be talking to his probation officer to see about getting another probation officer in the county he is currently in to cross watch him. They would then check in on him and report to his current probation officer, allowing him to finish much of his prop. 36 probation requirements in the other county. He is about 30 minutes from where we live in a larger community. I was a bit surprised and delighted for him and me.

He and I struggled a few times during this two hour meeting. I can see we are both triggers for each other, which is kind of sad. I walked away realizing just how sick in my co-dependency I am. I realized several things I said to him made him uneasy and vice/versa. We have had a pretty unhealthy relationship for quite some time and we will have to learn to relate to each other in a respectful manner with boundaries. It was an eye opener replaying it after I left, to see that I am possibly sicker in my communication ways with him than he is. I have work to do, but am willing to do it, so that is key. Overall, I left and we hugged, said our I love yous and out he went. I will pray that the best thing for him will come to pass and that I will have the courage and strength to work hard on my own recovery.

I thank you all for reading and helping me through the gray stuff. It just isn't always black and white! I have been reading all your blogs and posting comments when I can. Some of your blogs I can't post a comment from work. I will be trying to catch up on those in the next couple of nights (Syd and Barbara for sure). Much gratitude to you all, you are all part of my blog family and I cherish you.

Renee

Rehab Poll Update

2010-05-14T09:22:00.001-07:00

Update on Rehab Poll--Wow, I am astonished at all the comments the poll from my previous post brought in. I am meeting with my son and his drug counselor at the State ran rehab tonight and am a little nervous. As you know, his funding has ran out, I spoke with his counselor on the phone on Friday and asked him if Z could get a job to pay. Because he is on probation and the rehab is in another county, he said that the logistics of that would not work when it came to probation and his finding work, transportation to and from, etc. I obsessed about it, went to a meeting on Friday night and have tried not to think about it, just trying to give it to God. I am going with an open mind and see what happens in the moment. His "other" drug counselor from probation called me today and did state that the unlicensed sober living place way up in the hills close to our area is free, and he would pick him up from rehab and take him up there next Monday if Z agreed to go. I also printed out a couple of other options, the info for the Teen Challenge in Sacramento and another place that is also a year long faith based program, to give to him. I may not end up giving them to him, I want to hear what, if anything, he has done to secure a place. There is a part of me (probably the co-dependent or mother part) that wants to see if they will take payments or discount the cost of his current rehab for an extended 30 days. The counselor did ask me what if anything I could afford, and I have to admit I struggled with that. I mean, on one hand the counselors encourage you to stay out of the way, then on the other they try to get your money, which I am told is getting in his way!

I have to say, I will be re-reading all the comments from this poll and I like that Syd threw in a bit of old school twist (that is what I thought when I read it). I remember when I was younger, there were no rehabs, at least that I knew of. They say statistically it is 10 percent successful rate, but then they say every time they go it is important to their recovery. For an obsessive codependent, this makes it all the more confusing. I am just going to trust that God will guide me tomorrow, I have to, can't think about it to death.

On another note, I did Relay for Life this year, my first time. I was co-captain of two teams, bit off a bit much for my first go around. It was so moving and inspirational and I was able to grieve and rejoice with others that had been through watching a loved one go through the terrible death cancer can bring. I can't say enough about my weekend and how it touched me to my soul, other than I haven't slept since Friday night and am exhausted. Our county raised $162,000.00 for the cause this year, the most they have ever raised. I am proud of that.

I thank you all for your comments and hope this poll helped someone other than myself. Your input is always of great value to me.

Renee

Holy Toledo Batman, this stuff is hard!

2010-05-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

I had a VERY HARD night last night. I received a call from my son right before I left for my counseling appt. and family group meeting last night. The rehab allowed him to call as he has now been told he only has 30 days (he originally was funded for 60, than they said 45, now only 30). He is stressed, said he needs more time. I called his drug and alcohol counselor at the advice of my counselor to discuss the issue and get his professional advice about me not wanting Z to come home right now. He agreed Zach needs a lot more time, but because he made it so far in the Prop. 36 program by faking his drug tests, he only qualifies for 30 days and no sober living, because they say he did too good! Whatever? Anyways, the counselor is trying to get more funding from a program this rehab has but doubts it will come through. He suggested sending him to a center up in the mountains that is a bit unconventional, alot of parolees go there as probation/parole do not visit there. But they do drug test, work the 12 steps and he would be away from our area by about 1 hour way out in the hills. This ranch has been known for drugs getting in, but I suppose this could happen at an facility? He suggested that I tell Zach he has to go there for 60 days and do well before he can enter my home, and then if he does enter my home and gets high ONE TIME, he is out, and to follow through with that. I saw my son last night briefly and he brought this up again. When we talked on the phone he said he was so stressed out (have to deal with it, not using and is freaking out). I asked him what they would do if he didn't have a place to live. He said he told them already that he would be coming to my house. I told him probably not gonna happen and he hung up the phone, said he couldn't handle that right then. Then when I saw him briefly last night it was brought up again, and I had planned on talking to the counselor after the meeting to see if his personal counselor there at the rehab could meet with me and Zach so I could explain to him that I am not punishing him, that I love him and that I need time to heal. Give him my offering and leave it at that. They took my phone numbers and are supposed to call me to let me know if this can happen. I am also supposed to call his drug and alcohol counselor back late today to see if any word on the funding for his current rehab is possible, but for sure probation is not funding anymore than 30 days. His probation drug/alcohol counselor and I discussed the degree of my son's addiction. This counselor was a heroin addict for a long time and did 10 years in prison, so he knows his stuff, been there done it. I asked him if he knew just how severe my son's addiction is to opiates/oxy. He said "Renee, your son's disease is just as severe as anyone I have ever seen, if not worse". He also stated that he agreed my son need much more time than 30 days but his hands are tied. I asked him if he knew my son was using the "wizinator" to pass his drug tests through them and he just relayed that he was aware Z has a huge problem.

I feel terrible about how my son and I left things. He doesn't have enough information and I know he feels abandoned and hurt. I realize the hurt could bring him good things, people say you have to go through the pain to get to the pleasure, and I know he has to do it himself. I just feel sad and guilty for the way this news was delivered and that I haven't had an opportunity to really discuss it with him.

This is the hardest thing I have EVER felt like I have to do other than my mom dying. This is just the hardest and I am so sad and full of guilt. Ugh!

I am grateful for my counseling meeting last night and the AWESOME family group I attended with my hubby and step-son. My step-son is very co-dependent and he walked out of there thanking me for inviting him and intends to go back every week. They both took away so much from that meeting, it was the best one I have been to and I walked away feeling stronger, but still very sad.

Blog Award

2010-05-12T11:17:00.001-07:00

Thanks Sherry for thinking of me! I may not pass it along because I probably would have passed it to the same people you did anyway:)

1. What would your perfect day consist of?

Sitting on a nice chair on the beach in Maui watching the sunset after a beautiful boat ride and snorkeling all day.

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

Baggy, comfortable, worn thin

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

My blog, reading, my recovery, walking.

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

The beach for sure!

5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree?

I have hugged a tree!

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

I would like to grow my own, but my thumb is brown..so grocery store with some organic.

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

My whole family is exciting enough for a lifetime:)

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?

Don't like fish so I will have to go with"posh restaurant".

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

Water girl here.

10. Do you believe in fairies?

Nope.

He Called

2010-05-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

I was having a bit of an up and down Mother's Day today. I woke up and laid in bed for a bit, sipped on a cup of coffee and slowly started my day. My husband and brother picked me two bouquets of flowers from our yard and put them in lovely vases. They cooked both brunch and dinner for me also. Love them so much! We went to my Mom's grave today and planted a pretty miniature red rose bush, many people at the old graveyard today, more than I have seen in a very long time. I miss my Mom every single day but feel very blessed to have had her in my life for the time I did.

My step-son called and wished me a Happy Mother's Day and said he and his GF would be by later in the day. My niece called and asked if I would be around as she was going to come by with her baby boy (she is like a daughter to me). I waited until about 6 pm and my niece flew in the door, baby asleep in the car, gave me a card and kiss and left. My step-son never showed. I tried to push down my bit of disappointment, you know how it is, I feel like I show much love to them and usually am a late thought in their minds at best. I kept counting my blessings and thanked my husband and brother for their lovely gestures and love.

My son called at 9:45 pm to wish me a happy Mother's Day from rehab. He is still on blackout until this coming Friday. I must admit that I was a bit upset that he called when he is not supposed to, but so happy that he did at the same time. I agree with Annette's comment before, I don't think he is really ready, he has called me now twice and made a point to see me at the rehab facility twice. It appears that this particular rehab facility is also a little lenient on their blackout rules because they know about the visits for sure and on at least one occasion the counselor was there.

I am still strugling with what to do when he gets released from rehab, to let him come stay with us or fend on his own. I know what I should do, just not sure if I am ready. Two people not being ready, he with his addiction, me with my codependency, probably not a recipe for peace. I know, just have to get there.

Hope you all had a good day and all you Mom's out there sleep well tonight.

Emotional Battlefield!

2010-05-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

Well on my last post I talked about bringing chaos, borrowing trouble, the other shoe dropping, etc. I do really feel that I do this but I went to see my counselor last night and she had a different theory about my anxiety regarding my son's future release from Rehab. She basically stated that I wasn't creating chaos with the thoughts and emotions I was having about it, but that it is an anxious situation and one I probably should start attacking and dealing with now, not later.

We talked about whether I wanted to continue to be a rehab house, to continue to drag out my son's journey by interfering with my "help and assistance", which by the way has not worked to date. She was TOUGH. She wanted me to give her 20 reasons to convince her otherwise, why I should continue to assist my son with housing at my home when he is released. I feebly gave her the one and only answer I could, that as long as he was clean and trying I didn't feel like I could turn my back on him as he literally has nowhere else to go. Her advice? Talk to his counselors at the Family Meetings at the Rehab facility and his probation drug and alcohol counselor. Tell them how bad my health is suffering right now and how exhausted both physically and mentally. Ask what resources my son will have through probation, if any, for aftercare (as many of you know, probation services are very limited in my small town). Let them know I am trying to work my own program and want my son to have a good go of it on his own, on his terms, through his own power so he can feel like he is doing it, not someone doing it or making it easier to do it. Allow him to claim his own victory or defeat and whatever that may bring to him. Holy Cow I was crying when I left and went to the family meeting late. It was a packed meeting and I just listened. They have family members and addicts in the meeting so I was able to hear both sides, get both perspectives. My son was not there as he is on black out for 21 days. I left there not saying a word as I was just so emotional yesterday. My son called out for me as I had the front door open. This is not the first time I have been at the rehab facility with him coming into contact with me. As a matter of fact, the three times I have been there, he has managed to see me. It makes me feel a little uncomfortable, but I love seeing him at the same time. Why do they call it black out if I can see him? I usually tell him I am not supposed to see or talk to him during this period and try to rush away. He also has made one phone call to me from some guy's cell phone (they are allowed cell phones after 21 days). Z won't be getting a cell phone and I was surprised they are so loose in the rules/monitoring of the patients.

Now I am rambling, but I cried the whole 40 minute drive home, prayed and cried. I have given it to God so many times today, and as my sponsor has said, "Why worry if you pray and why pray if you worry". Such wise words, I hope my faith and strength grow so that I can truly just give it to God and work on my own self, I have so much to do in that area anyways.

I must say that I am blessed to have you all in my life, supporting me, cheering me on, giving me good, solid advice and just being there. I appreciate every single one of you.

Tonight I pray that the Lord will help me to get out of my son's way and allow him to conquer his addiction in his own power. I pray that the Lord will help me to follow his will and guide me to carry it out.

I hope all you Moms out there have a peaceful and joy-filled Mother's Day!

P.S. Dad, I love the dog shit analogy you provided in your comment on my last post. I kept that in my head last night and not only did it pull me to the present each time but it also made me smile. Love it!

Seeking Chaos...agitated

2010-05-04T18:52:00.000-07:00

I find myself on down time, trying to heal, rest after the war. I swear, having an addict in the family is just exhausting in and of itself, then add everyday life, and I am just plain wore out. It is funny how you don't notice that until everything calms down, it is quiet and you have time for yourself, whether you want it or not. I for sure want it and have been doing a lot of self care, but I just had no idea how tired I was from stress.

As you know if you read here, my son is in rehab and I find myself at times "borrowing trouble". I really notice now how when there isn't any chaos in my immediate life, I tend to make a little subconciously. I do this by picking a fight with a loved one over the smallest thing, being hyper critical of myself or focusing inward and freaking out over my physical well being. I am just in awe at how sick I am with codependency and grateful that I am actually seeing it. I am super agitated tonight and not sure why. I think it is because while at work today I found my thoughts drifting towards my son and being negative about it. Thinking to myself, "better enjoy the quiet now". Almost putting pressure on myself to hurry up and enjoy my time off because it will all start over soon.

I know I am rambling some but I think I have come to the conclusion that for today anyways, I need to focus on having a bit more fun, haven't done that in a while. I need to figure out what "fun" means to me now and I need to stop putting myself in a negative frame of mind over my son. His life, my life.

I have been reading you all and posting when I can and will try to keep this blog more up to date.

Whew, that felt good!

Change of Blog Name

2010-04-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

I changed the name of my blog to Mom trying to Detach with Love. I am not sure but think this may have cut off bloggers that were following me under Mom of Opiate Addict. If anyone knows if that is true, please let me know and how I can fix it? I just kind of liked the new name better.

I will be posting an update this weekend, much to tell. I am tired and need to do some pretty heavy self care for the next few days.

My Life Story (short version)

2010-04-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

This is my story. I have this on my profile under "Act I and Act II" but thought I would share it again with those that may not have caught it the first go around some time back.

I was raised in pure chaos. A life long friend of mine once told me that my family reminded her of the Adams family on Acid. My mom had 6 kids, 5 with one husband and then me with my dad at the age of 42 (she must have had a little screw loose:) My father was an alcoholic as was my mom's previous husband. My mom was a binge drinker and there were many physical altercations between my mother and father when I was younger. My dad was full Canadian and came to the US and taught himself to speak English (too bad he stopped teaching me French at age 2). He was a Chef and he and my mother opened three successful restaurants at different times. Each time he would sell them somehow behind my mom's back, take the money to Reno, gamble it all and fly back to Montreal. This happened at least twice that I remember leaving my mother often with no car or money. We would then have to apply for welfare and my mother would find work in the restaurant industry. She often walked back and forth to work, but always found work and worked hard...when she wasn't on a binge. I remember wishing on falling stars when I was young, blowing three kisses and wishing my mom wouldn't drink that night and thought it worked. She didn't start drinking alcohol until the age of 38 when a doctor told her to sip wine for her stress. Wow, little did he know what that would lead to! She was the type of drinker that could go months without a drop and then go on a week binge with complete blackouts at the end of the night. Sometimes she would only go a couple of weeks in between, no steady pattern so nothing was even remotely predictable. She would often buy soda and chips, cookies, etc., and I always knew that was her payoff for us because she was gonna drink her bottle of Seagram's straight from the bottle with a water chaser until she passed out. She was a MEAN drunk, awful with the tongue. When she was sober she was the sweetest woman on earth, many referred to her as Mrs. Clause:)

My father was in and out of my life until the age of 15 when he was dying from cirrhosis of the liver. The doctor told him he would recover completely if he just wouldn't touch alcohol again. Dad was a beer drinker (case a day sometimes). You couldn't tell when he was drunk because he stayed that way all day. It was not a sloppy obvious drunk, just a regular guy who drank lots of beer to the outside eye. He chose to leave the hospital, get on a plane to Montreal and died two weeks later in his homeland. I remember crying very little, didn't even go to the hospital as I was by then dating a 21 year old drug addict. My mom and dad both tried calling the cops to stop my relationship with this older man child but to no avail. Back then if a girl was willing or they didn't catch you in the act, nothing they could do...sure wish it would have been different it would have saved me years of heartache.

Growing up with my half-siblings was a huge chaos fest. My oldest brother was 26 years older than I and then on down. I have 4 nieces and nephews that are at least 6-10 years older than me. My oldest brother died of alcohol at age 59. He was clean for at least 15 years, had a good job, lived on a river and fished daily (his passion). He relapsed, lost everything and died several years later after much struggle.

My second oldest brother died 4 days before he got out of prison for stealing a car when he was drunk (they said heart attack, but mom always swore he was offed). This about killed my mom and the entire family. His name was Larry and he was born with mental and physical disabilities. He was a sweet soul and very funny, but again an alcoholic.

My next brother, Joe, has used every drug and drink possibly known by mankind. I once saw him melt down Actifed and shoot it in his arm. He has been beaten almost to death, lived in and out of prison for years, had two strokes, homeless for years and is now in a shared living home that provides him assistance. He once stole all our living room furniture for heroin. He is doing better than he has in many years but at a huge cost to his health and mind. He did well for about 12 years raising his twin boys and other son until he relapsed.

My sister died in February of this year after being diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer only 6 months before. She also struggled with drug addiction and alcohol. She gave her son up for adoption to his paternal grandpa and his wife when he was 6 and never got over it. She has two girls that now each have a child but always had a strained relationship with them. She was often abused by men and drunk a lot of the time. She moved from California to Washington, met a nice man and married. She was on prescription pills (way too many including morphine) for fybromyalga when she was diagnosed. We threw a fund raiser and got her and her husband moved into a small house where we live in California. It was the worst death I have ever witnessed nor care to.

My last sibling, brother Dan, is the one I have brought up in my posts often. He has never lived on his own, is bipolar and that went undiagnosed for years. We all thought his actions (talking to himself or traffic, anger outbursts, sleeping jags, etc.) were from drugs. His preferred drug is Meth and I have been told by his psychiatrist that he uses that because it actually calms him and the disease for short periods. That is why they call it self-medicating sometimes. But he is truly an addict and is institutionalized from being thrown in prison for violating parole for using. That is what he has spent the majority of his time in prison for. Such a shame the mentally ill have to be shoved in prison when they aren't hurting anyone but themselves.

There was a lot of fighting and verbal abuse. I became the "fixer" of the family, calling in sick for my mom's work at age 10 when she was drunk, getting in the car with her driving drunk (and in wrong lane) thinking if I was with her she would be safe, always trying to make things go smooth so she wouldn't want to drink, etc. It was a lonely life for me at such a young age and I made a lot of fun of myself and made jokes to try and help me get through. I didn't have any self-esteem and still struggle with that to this day.

My mom enabled my other brothers (never the girls) so bad. Mom always taught us it was Christian to help others, even to the point of giving them the shirt off your back. She often took in stray friends that were on the streets, fed them, gave them shelter. I always admired her for the love she showed to everyone that came her way, but now see that sometimes she could have shown it less and in a different way.

I did drugs in my youth. I smoked pot from the age of 14 until I was 18 years old. I did Meth on a steady basis (daily almost) for two years, maybe three when I was in my early 20s. I had severe panic disorder and was agoraphobic. I had situational attacks in the stores, etc. I wouldn't go back to those stores out of panic. I became pretty much home bound and still using Meth!!! My ex (my son's dad) said we were going to stop using as he was supplying it all. I stopped, he didn't.

I started going to junior college and got my AA degree as a legal secretary so I could try and support my son. I built my own home, and neighborhood, through the CHIP program for lower income families and it was a nice little home. I finally was able to move out of my mom's home when I was 26 years old. I lived with her until then for financial reasons for both her and I. By then my son was 6 years old. At age 5, his father and I split up, or I guess I should say I kicked his father out. He was a full blown Meth user along with other drugs including opiates. He stalked me for over two years. I always felt that my son should have his father in his life (probably because mine wasn't around much). This was a mistake of a young girl who tried her best at the time and I forgive myself now for it, but it took a long time. My son had necrosis of the hip at age 4/5 and had to wear a brace that made him walk funny. All the kids teased him and I tried to protect him, even putting him in play therapy hoping that would help him. He overcame it and can walk fine and has no pain. Shriner's are a blessing on a side note!!

Act II

Well here is the second installment on my story. Again, not sure what the length of this post will be but apologize for any rambling that may occur.

My son and I lived alone in our new little house that I helped build for several years. He was six when we moved in and his father started stalking me about that time. I was always torn, felt like his father should be there for him, even though he had told me if he couldn't have me, he didn't want his son in his life either. Just the thought of that makes me ill to this day. So basically for two solid years my ex would make calls to my house, leaving messages calling me awful names, telling me he had AIDS and that would mean I did also, etc. He would drive by my house and follow my movements in town...for two years. Meanwhile, he showed little love for our son who was still wearing the brace for his hip problem and struggling with all the adjustments; me working, school, his father not giving a shit, living in a new house alone with me, etc.

About this time, I got a job as a legal secretary and needed daycare. My mom usually watched my son but she had gone back to working also and was not able to do it. I turned to his other grandparents on the paternal side. This was a HUGE mistake but I had no crystal ball to foresee that. His grandfather got him involved in sports and took him to all his practices, etc. He was a pretty solid influence, but the grandmother and his father were not. His grandmother over the years would do his homework for him without my knowledge. She would pack him enough lunch for two people, enough to where the teacher called me to tell her to stop it. I spoke with her about it but she ignored it, so I started making his lunch, but she still sent one with him also. They spoke very evil of me to my son, which of course I thought there would be some of that, but not the degree I would find out about years later after the damage had been done. I tried very hard to never say negative things about my ex to my son, taking the high road I thought.

I met my husband when my son was around eight. He was a single father and owned a local business. He was loving, supportive, nurturing, all the things I was so unfamiliar with in my previous relationships with men. I actually resisted him at first, finding it all too "boring". I am so glad I hung in there, don't know what I would do without that man in my life, he was a pure Godsend. We were married five years after meeting and finally moved in together then. Our boys were close in age, mine being three years younger than my step-son. They got along pretty well and to this day stay very close.

When my son was about 13 years old is when the trouble really started. I suspected that he was having some problems as his grades were faltering and his general energy level was just different. I suspected he was smoking pot along with my step-son. I made them both go to some drug and alcohol meetings and we drug tested them on a regular basis. They did pretty well for a bit of time. My son got into trouble at age 15 for selling pot and having opiates on him at school (his grandma gave him vicoden for headaches). He received three year's probation and was put in a special school for 6 months that dealt with drug issues, etc. Around the age of 17 my son was drinking heavily and had left my home for his grandparents/father's house. His father still lived at home with his parents, never lived on his own. After a short while, my son was working and paying rent for an apartment that we owned for about 9 months, but still drinking very heavily. He passed his probation and moved to another town about 40 minutes away with friends. This is when his usage became severe. He started using Oxy, steroids, coke, etc. His father and grandparents enabled him. He ended up getting two DUI's and to this day still owes fines on this and does not have a license.

He moved back to town around the age of 20. He lived with his Dad and grandma (grandpa had moved out). They were both getting MANY prescription pain pills and allowing him to sell some of them so they could have extra money. Of course I had no idea any of this was going on at the time, no clue. His grandmother overdosed in April of 06 and his father followed one month to the day in May. My son was living at the house with them, had found his grandmother and his father. He also lost his dog about the same time. I would go over to that house (his grandfather let him live there after the deaths) and he would be so high that I couldn't even get him awake sometimes. He has driven himself or someone taken him to the hospital at least 5 times that I know of and given charcoal. I have watched this on at least 4 of the 5 times. No mother should ever have to experience that kind of scene, so painful and you feel so useless.

This all went on for awhile as I had my head in the sand a bit, didn't know what to do so just pretended it wasn't happening, it was just too painful. My husband and I took my son to our doctor and got all the meds to detox him, took time off from work and took him out of town. This didn't work. Sent him to Rehab but he relapsed as soon as he got to town. He lived with his grandfather after rehab for a bit, but stole some checks from him. His grandfather turned him in to the police and he ran to the Bay Area. Shortly after he came back to town and couch surfed for a few months. When I did see him or hear from him, he was always just loaded.

During this time my mom had become ill. I had always been afraid of my mom's death, probably because she was an "older"mom while I was growing up. She ended up moving in with my husband and I in 2006 and lived with us for a couple of years until her death in November 07. My mom was the backbone of our extended family. She had stopped drinking many years before and was a very loving person. She had a great bond with the Lord and her faith in God was so strong it was amazing to see. When she passed it devastated me and the rest of the family. Within six months my sister was diagnosed with Stage IV stomach cancer and after moving her back here from Washington with her husband, she passed in February 09. My son stole some of her morphine from her house about 2 weeks before she died. I prayed to God for an intervention for him as I knew he was going to kill himself. Ten minutes after my prayer I received a call from an officer that he had been arrested. Power of prayer...answered in many forms.

My son was released in May of 09. My brother was also released at the same time. My son came home to live with us and is still doing so. My brother has had our assistance also. My son's behavior has been much improved from three years ago, BUT I know he is not really working a program. Sure, he passes his probation drug tests because he brings in some product that makes that happen. To date he has asked his probation officer to get into the State funded rehab because he failed a drug test and was going to be violated for a second time. He entered on 4/23/10 for 60 days. No matter what his motives for getting there, I am hopeful that he will at the very least add more to his recovery foundation and hopefully will keep building on that. It is his journey and I must let go. I know I have a ways to go to find my peace in this life, but have had more peace due to my boundaries, etc. in the past few months. This blog has been a huge help to me and all the bloggers who read my blog and comment. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to grow, giving me support and just helping me feel stronger when I need it. I hope you all have a better feel for who I am and what I am about. Also a feel for my son and his story. We all have a story and as important as it is to tell it, it is also important not to stay stuck in it. I hope with each day I get closer to getting off the hamster wheel of co-dependency.

Renee

Rehab

2010-04-22T16:46:00.001-07:00

Z's probation officer just called, he is going into Rehab tomorrow for 60 days. I will update once things have settled. I pray that this time while there he gets it. I pray the Lord puts a mentor in his path that will help him to regain his way.

Update/Sponsor question

2010-04-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

Well, first things first. I spoke to my doctor on Monday and after talking to the oncologist/hematologist, they do not think at this point I have any type of blood disease or cancer, but that my protein levels are high from infection. I have chronic sinus problems, so I will continue to flush the sinuses, have surgery in the next couple of months and re-check the blood protein in 6 months or so. I kept myself pretty busy this weekend with the Rodeo, tried to stay present and enjoy myself as much as possible. My husband and I were very nervous off and on all weekend but I managed to have a good time for most of the weekend.

We had lots of drama over the past week. Not just the medical tests, but my brother took off for a couple of days on a manic episode and my son struggled at the Rodeo to remain clean. I held myself together, didn't get up in it with either of them. I told my son he could not stay with us at our house unless he was clean/sober and only until Rehab in May. It is hard to accept the fact that my son has a SEVERE addiction problem with not just opiates but all substances, and my brother also does also along with his mental illness. My son did not stay with us on Saturday night as he was drinking with some friends and my husband and I enjoyed the evening to ourselves after the Rodeo. We attended Rodeo again on Sunday and by Sunday night my husband, myself, my brother and my son, along with my step-son and his GF, sat down to a nice dinner, nobody was intoxicated or using.

I kept most of my boundaries in place, kept some peace in my mind and spirit in spite of the drama. I know I will only get better at this. I know my boundaries will grow and I will "do what I say, say what I mean" as I continue to travel through this journey, just taking me some time to get there. I am not perfect, never will be, but I have grown so much in the past 6 months alone.

I have missed you all so much and have been trying to keep up with reading and commenting through all the distractions. I noticed how much toll the stress over the past few years has taken on my body. I have been practicing body scans and am amazed at how tense my whole body is, my shoulders, jaw, even my tongue. Just amazing what not looking at ourselves and our own issues can do internally. I never thought I had a problem, that it was always the addicts, but I have come to realize I must work on myself, it is the most important thing now. It has to come first, I have to come first. I finally believe that I deserve that...sure took a LONG time getting to that realization and I am not always convicted in it.

I really want to start working my steps, seriously, not just reading through the books, etc. We only have a couple of members at our local Al-anon group where I live and none of them feel right to me as sponsors. I am wondering if anyone knows if the online Al-anon can hook me up with a sponsor and if anyone has had that experience? I know it is not the same as up close and personal, but at this point I would like to get started. Let me know your feedback.

Saying prayers for us all.

Renee

The unknown and the shifting environment

2010-04-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a really hard day. I went with my husband to a nearby town to receive the results from my blood work that I was a bit concerned about throughout the past couple of weeks. I kept myself pretty calm up until yesterday. Being someone with a long standing anxiety disorder, which has been under control for many years, I do still tend to worry much more than I should.

I walked out of the doctor's office thinking I knew what he had said but as is often the case, had many questions arise as the night wore on. Basically my "M Spike" was high which means I have a high protein level in my blood. He showed me some other stuff that was on the tests that were negative and said he was going to call his blood specialist colleague to make sure no further tests were needed. He kind of beated around the bush and I am sure he didn't want to alarm me. He never even said "blood cancer", but I knew from a time my mom was checked. He didn't seem like he was too concerned.

On the way to the doctor my husband had informed me that something small was missing out of his truck and he had a blow out with both my son and brother. When we got home I had a talk with them and my husband seperately. I went for a walk with my brother and son and came back as we all sat down to dinner with my step-son who just moved back to town. Tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. My husband is angry, I don't blame him. My son and brother are upset, each saying they don't know what he is talking about and that neither had the opportunity to take the item missing and adament that they hadn't. At this point, I am just fed up and scared. I started to cry, my husband started to cry, we are scared.

Tension is still high today in the house. I am at work, called my counselor and the doctor to try and get more info. He is out of the office today of course, but his nurse tried to assure me that if he thought it was anything real terrible he would have dealt with it yesterday.

We have a busy weekend as it is time for the annual Rodeo in our town (one of the largest 3 day rodeos). We have box seats and have gone for years promoting my husband's business. Neither of us wants to even deal with it but my step-son hasn't been able to go in three years and the box is paid for. Might be a nice diversion? UGH!

I am praying and trying to stay present. My son is still on track for Rehab, but no bed until 5/4/10. He is meeting all the boundaries (except this thing missing that he swears he knows nothing about and may very well not). Please place us on your prayer list, although I know that many of you pray for us anyways, I could use just a little extra I think right now.

I have been reading, just not feeling like blogging for obvious reasons. Miss and care for you all.

Gratitude

2010-04-13T11:00:00.000-07:00

Appreciate Everything and Everyone
Look upon every experience you’ve ever had, and everyone who’s ever played any role in your life, as having been sent to you for your benefit. In this universe, which was created by a divine, organizing intelligence, there are simply no accidents.

I felt the need to do a gratitude list today in writing. I do them usually every day in my head but think I will start putting them in writing sometimes.

Today I am so grateful for:

1. My son's laughter in my home
2. My brother's continued efforts in becoming well
3. My husband for all that he is and does
4. Having all my limbs and senses
5. Having employment & health insurance
6. My home, bed and all the comforts it provides
7. My blog community
8. My personal counselor
9. My Al-anon meeting
10. Really super clean drinking water from the tap
11. Nature, just happening and being effortlessly
12. My renewed relationship with the Lord
13. Eating with my family and praying before dinner at the table every night
14. Learning to trust myself
15. Boundaries
16. That I have progressed so much in the past three years
17. I lost almost 10 lbs in a little over a month
18. Feeling free to speak my truth

Feeling Uncomfortable with My New Way of Behavior

2010-04-12T11:04:00.001-07:00

So as an update, my son is still at our house. He went to his probation appointment this morning and checked in with his drug and alcohol counselor. The counselor advised him that he has not received the funding and it could be another week..ugh! Things have been going pretty well with him at the house. He has been taking small amounts of suboxine, which I have dispensed to him. I would rather do that than deal with him detoxing in my home, he can do that in rehab with medical professionals. He has been following the rules/boundaries to date.

As for me, I find that when I step back, bite my tongue, realize when I am heading into saying or doing something that goes against my own recovery, I feel uncomfortable, almost anxious. I belive it is because I am so used to behaving in a codependent way, that when I catch myself and don't, it leaves me feeling somewhat uneasy, anxious and kind of lost and alone. I know this is probably normal and will pass as I progress. I am going to a meeting tonight, found that I look forward to my weekly Monday night meeting, no matter how small it is (sometimes 2-3 people).

I hope you all have a fantastic week. I pray my son is able to get into rehab sooner rather than later, that the funding is provided this week and he will be ready to go. I pray for all your loved ones who are struggling also, that they may seek out recovery and obtain restored health. Peace to us all.

Battlefield, Retreat, Surrender

2010-04-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

It seems I always used to love to go into the battlefield. Anytime there were arguments, problems, upsets, I ran onto the battlefield to the rescue. Now it seems I retreat mostly, but sometimes show up for the battle, getting up in the fight, armed and ready, even if it is not the best thing for me or the people I am fighting for/against. What a confusing place this puts others around me in. They never know if I am in the fight or if I have retreated. What I really want to do is surrender, pick a side and stay on it. I don't want to be on the battlefield anymore, I want to throw up the white flag and surrender it all. I am working on it and really need to get on the side I want to be on, peace and serenity.

News Articles Re: Prescription Drug Reform

2010-04-06T14:43:00.001-07:00

I saw this article on CNN just now and also a link to this article wanted to share.

Just Scared

2010-04-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

I am just plain afraid today. My anxiety level is off the charts. I am nauseated, nervous stomach, feel like I can't take a deep breath and basically like I am in panic mode, having an attack. I used to have severe anxiety disorder as shown on my Act 1 and Act 2 which is my main life story.

We sat down with my brother and had a discussion with him. We are not ready to make him leave as he has put out way more effort working on himself and his future than not. We are very open and honest with him about his mental illness and monitor it with his medication and his psychiatrist. We will discuss this weekend's episode with his doctor at his next appointment.

If you read here you know that I told my son I had to have proof of him entering a prop. 36 rehab program before he could stay at my home until the bed opens up. I got a phone call on my lunch hour from my son's drug and alcohol counselor. They are setting him up for rehab, but not sure when the funding will be released. He said he is hoping for the next couple of days but not to hold him to it. So in the meantime, my son will come and stay with us, without use of his cell phone, our phone, no visitors and no going into town without us. That is just until he leaves for rehab assuming that happens. I will hold tight to my boundaries, I know I can't live for him or do it for him, but I won't have the phone ringing off the hook or people coming to my home that he has been affiliated with. I am nervous about my peace. I know this is temporary and I can shift my boundaries if necessary, but it still makes me very uneasy. I feel as though I need to support him in his efforts to recovery, no matter how or why he gets there.

I have been seeing a sinus specialist and he did some tests on my immune system. They called today and said they received the results of some blood tests and need more. They now want a standard CBC but also one to check my lymphnodes. O.K., that panicked me, probably because my anxiety level is already so high and of course I am assuming the worst.

I went to a meeting last night and that was helpful. I am just so anxiety ridden today that I just cried for no apparent reason. I am at work and my co-worker is taking off starting tomorrow for three weeks. I have to pick up the slack and my boss is sick and irritable (mean). I must get myself into a space of healing. I will go home and read and I have a counseling appointment tomorrow night.

I am thinking of Her Big Sad and Peggy . I pray we will all find peace no matter what is happening around us. Thanks to you all for always commenting and rallying around when I need it, I thank God for each of you.

Not reacting

2010-04-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

My husband and I had a wonderful little trip to see a comedian, nice dinner and some music this Easter weekend. We planned on being home late this afternoon and warming up a ham with some side dishes. I had invited my son to come out for dinner. We always have a friend that stays at our house while we are away, even for just one night. My brother is still staying with us and has been doing very well...that is until today. We got home and I could tell my brother wasn't right. He was in bed and just seemed out of sorts. When my husband took our friend home he advised him that my brother had left today around noon and was brought home by the police a couple of hours later. It appears he was shouting at traffic. He is bi-polar and not sure what part of the mania played a part in this episode, but he seemed to have relapsed on something? My son showed up and did some laundry and sat down at the dinner table for our Easter supper. We said our prayers, he helped with the clean up and then we watched a little TV. I am just going to be and advised my son that he would need to be up and ready to leave tomorrow with my husband when he goes to work. He said "I don't know where I will go all day". I reminded him of our conversation yesterday and that he would need to see his drug counselor and bring me something in writing stating he was in line for rehab before he could stay here. I reminded him of the other boundaries we discussed. He seemed upset that I stuck to my guns on this one. I didn't over react to anything that happened today. I sat with my feelings, which are making me a little sick to my stomach as of late. It is hard, no doubt about it this detaching with love. You never know if you are getting it right, even if you do what you think is the best thing for yourself, sometimes you just aren't sure what that is. I am hitting a meeting tomorrow and will keep reading my daily meditations.

I changed my username from Mom of Opiate Addicted Son to Mom trying to Detach with Love, so it is still me if you see that name.

Overall, we had a lovely weekend and our dinner was nice. I hope you all had a fantastic Easter and thank you as always for your support, it helps me so much.

Renee

UPDATEConflicting Emotions

2010-04-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

<**UPDATE FROM POST BELOW** First I wanted to thank you all for the support, you all help me so much. I took some time to allow myself to feel my feelings, check my motives, etc. I then came home and sat down at the kitchen table with my husband. I shared with him how I was feeling and my thoughts about my/our next step. We decided that if my son brought some type of paperwork from his counselor that showed he was in line to get into a rehab and some type of time frame indicated as to when that would happen, we would allow him to stay with us for a few days. I called my son, advised him of the above, also that there would be no cell phone, no phone calls, no leaving or friends coming over until he left for rehab. I told him that I loved him but that I had a lot of fear for him and that I tended to act that out by getting up in his stuff, in his way. I told him I must protect myself, my peace and my way of life. I told him that we loved him and would always support him if he was working towards sobriety. I told him he could not come to my house to stay for a few days UNLESS he was lined up and ready for the rehab and that he could show me some sort of evidence of that. I also advised him that he could not live with us as it is no longer healthy for him or I. I felt like this was the decision I could live with while keeping some sort of boundaries in place. The ball is in his court now. We are off tomorrow to Sacramento to see a comedy show, nice dinner and a night away. We will be back Easter Sunday and cooking a nice little dinner. I hope you all have a peaceful, joy filled Easter! I cherish and am so grateful for this community.

Posted earlier today

My son just called me and asked what we are doing this weekend. I told him we were going out of town on Saturday and would be back Easter Sunday afternoon. He advised that he is going to ask his drug counselor to go to rehab (prop. 36) but that he would need a place to stay for a couple of days. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to stay with us, that I was at work and we would have to discuss it later. I told him I did not want him coming home and detoxing in my home. He stated he has some suboxone and he isn't detoxing. I again said I didn't think it was a good idea and we would have to talk later. As I was trying to tell him that I want to be supportive but need to be sure he is serious about going into a program, he hung up as his feelings seemed hurt and he was mad. Seems like manipulation to me. I am conflicted between feeling like I am being manipulated/used and feeling sorry and sad for my boy. I just don't think he is ready?? This sucks, my fear is rearing its ugly head and I just want to pick up the phone and call him, tell him how much I love him and how much I want him to work it out. I just need to know that he knows I love him so much. I have acted out in anger so many times with him over the past three years and I just am feeling vulnerable right now. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I know I need to let go right now, but I feel like I just abandoned my son:(

Stuggling with my own Life Lessons

2010-03-30T23:37:00.000-07:00

I find myself to be somewhat unsettled the past couple of days. I believe part of it is because I hadn't spoken to my son since last week and that usually means he is off the charts using oxy or whatever he can get his hands on. I have been struggling this past week to put in place the self-soothing techniques I have learned during counseling. Basically, I have been struggling with my spirituality, which means I am struggling in my own recovery of codependence. I went to a meeting this week, haven't been to one in about a month and I have only been to a few. Something told me to go and I did last night. It was a very small group but I there was some good sharing going on. I believe I will start attending every week when if possible. It has taken me some time to get to this point, willing to attend Al-anon on a regular basis and attempt to truly work the steps. I believe this, along with my counseling sessions and this blog, I will continue to get stronger and able to take care of myself and my own peace of mind. But, for today, I am struggling.

I spoke to my son on the phone today briefly regarding some mail he received here. He has been staying with some other addicts at an apartment. He is on probation, was just recently violated for violation of his Prop. 36 and reinstated to the program. He is not working that program, not attending mandatory meetings, etc. He sounded really high today, which of course tested me emotionally and I immediately wanted to "get up in it" as my counselor would say. My instinct was to ask if he had been going to meetings, how he sounded high and tell him that he would be incarcerated if he didn't start working the program. I did bring up some of these things and started to really head down that road. He started to shut down and I caught myself, told him it was not my deal, and finished the conversation. I did not stop myself prior to getting up in it, but I didn't get all the way in it, so I have grown some. I tried using some mental images, giving it over to the Lord. It is just so easy to fall back into the old patterns of asking too much, giving too much advice that is not warranted. To easy to think I actually could say or do something that would make him get well, see the light. Oh how the ego can play with us, making us think we are so powerful over our children. I must remember that the Lord loaned my son to me but he is essentially the Lord's as am I.

I am rambling, probably because I feel so out of sorts, trying to maneuver my way around this letting go but showing support and love at the same time. It is a tricky thing some days, so I will continue to take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

I have tomorrow off from work and am so grateful. I will continue to work on myself and my own life lessons, but some days it is just a struggle. Maybe I need to get out of my own way?

A new Mom

2010-03-29T23:04:00.001-07:00

Another hurting mom has joined our blog community. Please stop by and show her some support.

http://hermother.wordpress.com/2010/03/29/i-am-just-her-mother/

Anger List

2010-03-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

Last week my counselor gave me some homework. She asked me to write down all the things I am angry about and to put them in categories, such as the things I am angry about in relation to my son, husband, brother, work, etc. So tonight I take her the list, a two page type written list that had been shortened! One of the first things she noticed about my list was that my son was at the top of the list with the most entries, followed by my hubby, my job, my brother, my dead mom and sister, then me. Yep, I put myself last subconsciously!

So then she asked me to pick three things off the whole list to start with that I wanted to work on..you guessed it, not one of them had to do with the stuff listed under my name. Just found this interesting and very telling to say the least.

I picked one for my son, job and hubby. We only got to the first two. I am setting a couple of new boundaries with my son. No phone calls to each other while I am at work; no talking to me about any illegal activity he may be involved in and no talking to me about his drug use. She also gave me a few tips on how to get my head into a peaceful space when and if the next big fall comes.

Please send a prayer out for my son Z. He is in a very dark place right now and I am trying my hardest to stay present and remember there is nothing I can do, and try and believe that he is in the exact place he needs to be for his soul's journey at this very moment.

I have had a hard time keeping up with commenting/posting as I can not use my work computer any longer to comment. I have had a busy week, but I am here in spirit.

Renee

A hole in the Blog Community

2010-03-22T22:55:00.001-07:00

I miss Lou and Madison. Thanks Lou for stopping by, I hope you will continue to visit and hope Madison does too. You are both inspirational mothers!
(((HUGS))) Renee

Email to Self

2010-03-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

So sometimes I email myself a prayer, a sort of email to the Lord and myself to provide me strength and help me remember what it is I need to surrender. Many times these have been answered, like the time the police called me 5 minutes after sending an email for a divine intervention for my son, they had him in custody and his life was spared. Not sure why I am posting this, thought maybe if you all read it, it would be that much more that God would hear me:)

Dear Lord,

Please Heavenly Father, shine your warm beautiful light on my son Zachary right now in his time of illness and despair. I pray you will hold him in your hands and bring him to restored health. I pray you will provide a mentor in his life that can make a difference for him, someone he can look up to and learn from. Please provide an intervention in his life so that he can become healthy off of drugs and be able to live his life well.

I pray Lord that you will help me to stay out of the way of other's lessons and teach me how to do that and still find joy in my life. Surround me with light and joy, help me to restore my health. I thank you Lord for all the blessings in my life, my husband, my work to provide medical and money, my brother being healthier than he has in many years, my son for being alive. Please dear Lord watch over my family and help us to learn to be happy in the moment in this life. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Quiet

2010-03-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

So as you may know if you read here, it has been a pretty tough week for me and my son. I feel sad and empty with a mixture of relief and peace. Boy, how conflicted is that! My son and I both agree that it is not healthy for us to live together under one roof. He knows I love him and how afraid I am for him. I have been open and honest with him about my reasons he can not stay with us anymore. I am accepting (slowly) that I have hit my own bottom in this terrible drug addicted journey. I am trying to soothe myself and let go. I know it will take time, and that something could be thrown in the mix to change the dynamics between he and I, but for today I feel I am doing what is right for me.

I was very shaken the other day when Corey Haim passed. Even though it is not known what his cause of death is, somehow I feel it was related to his drug use, whether it be a current OD type situation or just the wear and tear over the years that drugs take on a person's body. It was strange for me as I was thinking of him a few days before his death? I don't normally sit around and think of actors or anything strange like that, it is why it made this all the more odd for me. I was just wondering how he was doing, knowing of his addiction and watching him on TV a few years ago, I just always felt he was so lost, more so than most addicts even, not sure why I felt that way? It just pounded in the fact that an addicts life can be taken so short. It made me think about my own son and all my fears associated with him being taken too young from drug abuse.

I was not online for a day and came back to much sad news with Mom and Dad's son relapsing and Ant going back to jail. It just broke my heart and I found myself wanting to reach through my computer and try to "fix" it. Yep, that was me, Ms. Fix It, or at least I thought before my son's addiction reared its ugly head many years ago. I wish we all didn't have to go through this and that our kids would get well. On that note, there was a bit of happy news with Lisa C's son Bryon graduating rehab and going back to be an intern there. Also over at Annette's place with H doing really great and Sherry's son being clean and sober. It gives us all hope even in the midst of relapses and active use that our kids can get up, brush themselves off and get back on a better path. It is possible and there is hope.

I have gained so much strength from those of you that commented on my posts this week (every week actually). I never feel like I can thank you all enough. Praying for us all...Renee

Oh Lord this hurts

2010-03-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, thank you all so much for your kind words of wisdom and support over my last post. Clean & Crazy, I just cried when I opened your comment and read it, so supportive and loving. HBS, I feel your pain and conflict with calling or not calling, etc. The way I see it, every time my son walks out the door his life is in danger, and if we are to take action when someone might possibly die, let alone our own child, how do we not? It is such a fine line to know if we are intervening on someone who is about to harm themselves, when that is what addiction is all about...so confusing.

I did it tonight. My son called me tonight right as I opened Clean & Crazy's comment and I was crying. He told me he is staying with a friend, I know the friend and she is an addict also. He states they are going to try and get clean together? I bite my tongue through my tears. We talk about how hard it has been for us to live in the same house together. I tell him how afraid I am for his future, his life, how sad I am watching him and how I have hit my bottom with that. He tells me how he is 24 and he needs to figure things out, how shitty he feels about himself, how he has absolutely nothing. I tell him he has life, that God has saved him too many times to count, he is not in prison, not in jail and to focus on that. He told me to lighten up on my husband (his step-dad) because he does a lot and he is a good man who is getting tired of it all. He sounded a little high, I tried to think otherwise. I am devastated, can't stop crying, my stomach is in knots, I am in deep mourning. I know this will pass, he is still breathing and maybe, just maybe, I will learn to have peace and he will get well...I will continue to pray for that along with all of you and your wounded children. Madison, she is an awesome counselor, full of love and wisdom with a tiny dash of excentrism thrown in. I am lucky to have her in my life for guidance and all of you. Barbara, he has not been checked for mental illness but I am almost positive he has ADHD and depression, possibly Cyclothymia, but again, he has to be ready on his terms. I called drug and alcohol today to find out if there is currently funding for someone on Prop. 36 in our county for in-patient rehab and in two weeks there will be. I advised my son of this so he would be aware. He stated he did not want rehab right now and said he was going to get his MediCal and try and get on Suboxone and get a little job. I again bit my tongue. Oh, and Syd, it all just didn't have my name on it. For today, I know I did the right thing for myself and hopefully for my son, but Lord does it hurt. Thanks for helping me get through you guys. Renee

Update

2010-03-11T15:27:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Just a quick update from the post below. First, thank you all for commenting, it gave me strength throughout my day yesterday, and I must say you were all much "easier" on me than my counselor! Basically I went to counseling last night and she reiteriated that my son should leave my home, be homeless, and figure it all out on his own, without a licence, car, no shelter (we are not in the city, don't have a Mission type situation right now), no job, no skills. Wow, what a tough thing for me to do, toss him out into the cold, seems so cold hearted and is breaking my heart thinking about it. BUT, I feel as though I have hit my bottom with this situation? I am angry all the time, sad all the time, fighting with my husband all the time. I feel like my world is crashing down around me. I am trying to keep up my exercise but am getting about 5 hours of sleep no matter what I do (that is with taking meds). I realized as I was posting the entry below that I would not be calling my son's PO or his drug counselor, I know better. My motives for doing it were pure of heart, to assist my son, not to rat him out, but it is his stuff, not mine. I think I will start attending open AA meetings as I believe I can find someone there that will be able to help me work the steps better than our local Alanon, which is about 6 people large and not sure anyone has really worked the steps. My hormones are all over the place, I am tired and feel like I am not going to handle any conversations or decisions in a very constructive way today. My counselor basically said I could keep doing what I am doing and probably become VERY ill and keep my son ill in the process, or I could let go. So much easier said than done with a child:( Thanks you guys for the support!

Renee

ORIGINAL POST
So it has been a bit of time since I last posted. Much has been happening, good and bad, such is life. I have relapsed! I know it isn't permanent but I yesterday in particular, I allowed myself to go completely insane with my codependency and it was almost ALL aimed at my son. As my post here!! shows, I have been in fear, fighting against what is and of course just grieving some more. My son has been at my house since Sunday evening. It is hard to have the boundary talk with him as he tries to avoid it at all costs. It at times becomes more of a lecture to him, which is not the most producitve way to get the boundaries out there. The obvious one is that he not use in my home or come home "high". He recently was put on the court calendar for revocoation of probation for not attending his court ordered drug classes (or something, I try and stay out of that). I have added some of the following:

1. Must look for work and show me proof that he has done so.

2. Must attend mandatory "outside" drug classes for probation, not JUST FORGE the signature card like 95% of the people ordered to go are doing at the present time. He has two inside meetings that he has consistently attended for almost a year. We are to drive him, make sure he goes in, then pick him up after the meeting.

3. Do house chores assigned (this has always been a tough one).

So I know, it is his program, he must be the one to do it. BUT, if he is going to stay at my house and for me to support him financially and emotionally, he MUST attend the outside meetings for real, not just forge it. Yesterday, he managed to get one application done online, mow the front and back lawns, go to the gym and an AA meeting which I actually attended with him. He prefers the AA meetings as he does not run into all the people he knows at NA that still use and have drugs on site. I know that fact to be true, work in the system so it is what it is...broken.

I found myself getting caught up in circles with him yesterday while I was at work, trying to organize a meeting time for him (so I could give him a ride, we live out in the country, no public transport). It just kept changing, and I kept trying to hold my ground, then it all became blurred, was it a boundary or was I following my ego and trying to control out of fear? Wow how that line can be crossed just so easily! By the time I got home from work I was a complete controlling fool. I was angry and nothing anyone had done was good enough, the chores, the application, nothing. I had a plan to walk with my brother and that got foiled as I allowed it to. I took my son to the gym and tried to get a walk in with my brother, rushed home for a shower and dinner, picked my son up from the gym and we went to the AA meeting. I listened to the people speak with all my might, my son sat and yawned through the whole thing pretty much. No matter, I did take away some good things and felt honored to be with people that were working so hard at their sobriety.

Right before we got to the meeting my son informed me he had given his X-mas watch that we bought him to some guy for drugs on behalf of some girl he knew. Whatever! He wanted to take $50.00 out of the money he has saved for his probation fines to get the $130 watch back. He does recycling for us and makes a little chunk every month that goes towards his fines. I was hurt and proceeded to tell him so. It was the first tangible item I had bought him in years (other than clothes, cologne, essentials worth very little money). He was upset with himself for doing it and at first I contemplated helping him get it back. Then I thought maybe he should just figure this one out, lose the watch, experience the pain. Needless to say, I was pissed and continued to berate him the rest of the evening, not just over the watch, but anything I could. I am ashamed of myself today, but have a counseling appt. tonight and have called to see if my son could attend with me.

On a different note, many of you have had contact with your adult addicted kid's probation/parole officers. Do you think it is a good idea to contact my son's probation officer to advise her of the issues he and I are having at home and the fact that I think he needs rehab? I am not sure they even offer rehab for Prop. 36 in my county as it is small, conservative and there is NO State funding it appears? How about contacting his main probation drug and alcoholl counselor? My inner voice always says "stay out of it, his problem, not yours" when I think about doing this. But then I have read where others have done steps like these and wonder if it is productive. He would probably be livid and again, his problem.

HELP!!!!

Codependency Relapse!!

2010-03-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

A Bit of a Break

2010-03-07T23:07:00.000-08:00

I have been super busy as of late with many chores, etc. I will be trying to find some time to post soon bu in the meantime I have been trying to keep up with you all and post comments. I guess it is a good thing that I haven't had time to post!

Yet another day to be the "heavy"

2010-02-28T23:15:00.000-08:00

My son's roomate did not pay the rent (that is the story anyways). He called then came by today wanting to leave his clothes in our garage. He asked me on Friday if he could crash at our house for about a week or until he could figure something out. His step-brother is coming back to town and he thinks they are going to get a place together. I don't know how he thinks that as he has no real employment, no money and is for sure not working a program. When he came by today he brought some girl with him (a recent friend who is pleasent enough). Anyways, I went to my room and he came in to talk. I just am too tired. I was finding it hard to hold my boundaries "with love" today. I basically told him I wasn't sure if he should even leave his stuff here and proceeded to tell him that his comings and goings can not continue, he needs to take any job he can..blah, blah, blah. Basically got up in it instead of holding my tongue until I could speak a loving truth. He left, I cried, my husband called him and told him to bring his clothes and drop them off in the garage (we discussed it and both agreed to that). My husband picked him up later to help him with some chores as he owed us a little money from a bit back and is finishing up paying it off with work. I am tired of my son putting me in the position to have to be the heavy, to tell him he can't stay with us, it just makes me sick to my stomach and sad. I feel so bad for him but also know how bad it is for us when he is here and not really working at it.

I have been thinking about my blog lately and how I write. I am pretty sure I just ramble and envy many of you that have a way of orchastrating your posts so that they read like melting butter. I feel like my writing comes off like a hard boiled egg that you can't peel! But I do write honest and from my heart so it is what it is.

They have blocked our computers at work from any and all social network type sites, so I can't get on at lunch or break and comment much anymore. I will try and do that in the evenings now. What a strange post, must be the full moon and 80 degree weather here.

Friday Flash 55-Unexpected Delivery

2010-02-25T22:04:00.000-08:00

A few drops from the sky, she quickly changed into her raingear. The brisk air feeling refreshing and the drops from the sky subsiding made for a beautiful evening walk. With tired muscles and a burning sensation in her tummy, she rounded the corner to home, excited to see the Schwan man across the street!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

NOTE: I have been absent for a bit from the Friday Flash 55 so a bit rusty:) I don't usually order from Schwans but did get some tasty healthy items tonight.

Have a super fantastic weekend everyone!

Being proactive in our own health issues

2010-02-24T11:47:00.000-08:00

So much has happened since my last post, but I am going to mainly focus on some decisions I have made regarding my own health. I saw my counselor last night and we had a full session mainly surrounding my health issues. We have done this before but this time, really focused on it and what things I might be able to do about it. I am a pretty proactive person with my own personal doctor and he encourages that. But, as with probably many of you with addicted kids, my physical health has suffered the past few years due to all the stress (also the three deaths in my family).

I have long standing sinus problems and have had numerous tests, surgery, medication, etc. Nothing seems to assist it to the point of me being well. I also believe, after talking with my very holistic therapist, that it is possible that I have some adrenal gland problems going on. I spoke with my physician and he agreed and will be running some tests for that. In the meantime, I have found a sinus specialist nearby and have made an appointment & sent all necessary paperwork to obtain all my records. I have started taking some herbal/natural remedies for some of my stress related ailments (SamE, Fish Oil, PMX...ladies this stuff is great). I know, I know, sharing a bit too much info, but I guess my point is that I am beginning to get to the point to try whatever I need to make myself feel well. I think I am even going to check out some acupuncture again (tried many years ago). I think it is important for us to be a part of our own physical recovery path when nothing the doctors seem to be doing is working. I am tired of suffereing. I will also be working on my mental attitude, have been walking 1/2 hour a day as I can and have ordered a few things to assist me in my weight loss, like the Body Bugg they use on the Biggest Loser.

O.K. now I am just rambling, but I feel a little empowered today and encouraged, motivated even. This is refreshing for me as I have been down and out for quite a while. Thanks to all of you that give me support, you are part of my healing process as well:)

Much gratitude for the following:

1. My blogger community's love and support
2. My overall health could be MUCH worse, so grateful for what God has given me
3. My son is alive
4. My husband is AWESOME
5. My attitude is up
6. The sun is kinda shining
7. The water where I live out of the tap is FANTASTIC!
8. I lost 4 pounds this week
9. Being employed
10. Having transportation, food and shelter

Much love...Renee

Getting real and being a cry baby

2010-02-20T00:11:00.000-08:00

I have had an interesting vacation week at our little house by the ocean. I set out from our home last Friday with the full intention of becoming "well", getting in touch with my body and really working at taking care of my physical self and trying to connect it with my mental and spiritual self. Wow, little did I know I would end up feeling physically worse and crying like a baby!

As you know if you have been reading I injured my wrist a couple of weeks ago. The doctor said it was hyperextended/sprained but I still wonder if it isn't broke (he took x-rays). Anyways, I fell several days ago and used my hand to catch me. I fell again today at the beach and tried not to use my hand as a brace again, but I not only ended up using it to brace me but my ass as well. I am generally not this clutsy and was on unsteady footing in both situations. Needless to say I am sore as all get out. I also have a really bad sinus problem and have had much doctoring on it over the years. I have been battling yet another sinus infection while here I believe. I have been walking 1/2 hour a day (I stuck to that), and eating healthier but just feel weak and crappy. And to top it all off I have been having out of the blue crying jags. I realized today that I am just plain sad, sad for my health, for the loss of my mom and sister in the last two years, sad my son is a raging oxy addict and my brother is, well just my brother! Thank God for my husband!

I need to get real right and tell you all that I am scared as hell for my son. It is all coming to the surface again for me right now, the awful fear and plain grief. I am so tired of being sad and so I think I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, which I don't like to do but nonetheless am doing right now.

I know there is nothing I can do for my son but pray and give it to God, try and love him with my boundaries in place, etc. But right now I just want to say screw all of that and grab him, hold him and keep him safe. I hate addiction, I hate that prescription pills are so easily available to our youth and that they are so unaware at the time they first participate in using how addictive opiates are. I am mad, sad and sick.

Nothing has really changed for my son, no recent drama unfolding, no trigger for me to become so upset. I feel so much empathy for his struggle. He often relays that he wants to stop, he tries but he is just not ready I guess. It is just still so hard to believe some days that my sweet son is so ill and there is nothing I can do. He lives the life of an addict, being on probation, passing drug tests (somehow), living off pawning the last of his belongings, selling to get high and pay any bills he is even able to pay. He just moved in with some new friend (girl) and his rent is supposed to be $200.00, plus all the other expenses. I know it won't last long, I know he will use all the illegal money to pay for more drugs. I know he does not believe he needs any type of rehab (he went once for 30 days), he doesn't believe in the 12 step program, he simply is an addict not ready to get clean dammit!

Sorry for the gloom and rambling, but I needed to get this out in writing, get it out somewhere. I just feel so desperate and hopeless right now. I know it will pass and I will become stronger again.

I wonder if this is what allowing yourself to get in touch with your body is supposed to feel like, cause if so I am not so sure I like it much.

Connecting the Mind with the Body

2010-02-15T23:47:00.000-08:00

Much has happened since my last post. My wrist still hurts and it amazes me how much a person who is right handed actually uses their left hand for everyday tasks! I am managing and it is slowly healing.

We are on vacation at the coast right now (since this last Friday). The week before we left home was quite eventful to say the least. My brother had one of his bipolar episodes and decided to try and journey down a rain soaked downhill trail. He fell and ended up breaking his collar bone. I won't go into that much other than to say he is healing and there is now a date set for his Social Secuity hearing.

My son came out to our house on Thursday night and asked if he could stay the night with us. He seemed straight and so I allowed him to stay. He shared with me that he bought a few suboxine and was trying to get clean. He expressed his desire to get and stay clean and to stop selling to obtain drugs and/or essentials. I let him speak and bit my tongue as much as I could. He wanted to stay another night with us but I advised him we would be leaving on vacation and he is staying at a place he rented with a friend. We sent him on his way with some left over grocery items we had at the house. I told him I loved him and to do what he needed to get healthy. We had a lot of conversation and most of it I was able to keep my "advice" at bay. He has no job, no money, no food other than what we gave him. He seems so lost, is on probation and they have started testing him more (thank you God).

The peace that comes with just allowing my son to be who he is right now is amazing to me. I still feel great sorrow and sadness for his struggles and that nagging little voice that says he could OD any minute, but I hear it, watch that thought go by and don't react. I have learned so much in a year it just astonishes me. I think my son is pretty blown away by my newfound behaviors (or lack thereof) also.

Even though I have a peaceful feeling as it relates to those around me and not getting up in their business, accepting them and letting go, I still am having difficulty in taking good physical care of myself. So, this week I am walking 1/2 hour a day no matter what and listening to my body during activities, when I eat or decide to do something that sounds fun but may not be what my body needs, etc. I truly need to learn to connect my body, mind and spirit. This has been something I have struggled with my entire life. It has been something I have been aware I struggle with it only the past few years of my life. I pray each day that I will learn to treat myself better and to be aware of my own needs.

I have missed you all and have caught up some on the reading/posting. I will be away until next Monday, then back at work, but for now I am enjoying myself. I find that while on vacations I truly live my life and stay in the present moment, enjoying what comes my way. I am determined to bring this back into my everyday life.

Thanks for all the well wishes on the wrist. My body is talking and telling me to go to bed now, so I am listening.

Good night for now...Renee

Update

2010-02-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. I first wanted to thank you all yet again for the support you show every single time I post. It is such a comforting feeling to know you are all there ready to supply ample amounts of kindness and wisdom!

I hurt my wrist and am getting ready to leave town for a week. I will be catching up on my posting while I am away. Lot's has been going on around me since my last post and I have lots to do before we leave Friday morning. I will catch up with you all soon.

Renee

Trying to get in touch with how I feel

2010-02-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

Saturday my son Z came and stayed the night. He was not high and in great spirits. My brother, Z and I had the best time, joking around and laughing all night together. It was a great evening all the way around...until bed time. My son could not find his wallet and was frantically looking for it. I told him to look for it the next day as it was getting late, but he wasn't hearing that. My brother came out of the bedroom and said he spotted it on the bathroom floor (where Z had looked). There ended up being $80 missing and of course my son was furious. He came to me and I told him he could confront my brother but I was going to bed and did not want a big scene right then. He was mad, my brother denied it, but we all went to bed. I told my brother that night if he took the money, to give it back and we would drop it. He again said he didn't do it and we all went to sleep. The next day my brother was gone. My husband found him walking into town and my brother relayed to him what had happened (my husband slept through the whole thing). My brother stayed in town all of Sunday and I did not hear from him. Monday he came by my work and admitted he had done it. We didn't have a lot of time to talk as I was at my job. He came by a second time later in the day and I was very short and angry with him. I told him to be there when I got off work and we would go home and talk about and if he wasn't there right at 5 pm I was leaving promptly. He was not there. I told him earlier that he would need to find a way to fix the issue and I am sure he used the money for drugs but that has not been confirmed. This just sickens me, my brother was doing so very well in our home with us and it looked like he would get off parole after being on it his whole adult life for drug use violations. As you may or may not know he is bipolar and his psych doctor told me that he is like about at a 10-12 year old level as that was when his first breakthough was. I know my son should have no money as he has no job...so draw your own references from that one. I have a counseling session tonight and think I will hit an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. This simply is not how I live my life and shouldn't have to. It is such a shame that a perfectly good day can be thrown into complete sadness and drama with one action. Such has been my life for many years.

Sorry if I rambled, I just needed to get this out of me today. I will be taking care of myself by going to my counselor tonight and a meeting tomorrow night, taking a nice long shower tonight and going to bed early.

Thank's for the Help and Support

2010-01-28T11:18:00.000-08:00

I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post. I have read your comments many times over and they are filling me up with your wisdom. I am stealing a format that Annette used and posting some of the comments that particularly struck me and gave me the reality check I was asking for. I think Annette and I are in a very similar space right now with our addicted kids. She had a couple of wonderful posts with many comments, check them out here I feel stronger today, and that I am grateful for. At the end of this post, I am going to put in a verse from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie I read yesterday. It reminds me to go easy on myself and what learning our lessons is really about.

All of the comments I received on my last post were so very helpful and supportive, and below I have posted some that jumped out to me.

Madison commented:
Addicts seek short-term solutions. An endless string of situations where there is only one choice left - stop doing drugs - can end in a life-changing moment of clarity. Try not to be the short-term solution that keeps addiction alive.

If my child had cancer and chemotherapy made her ill and I didn't get that the chemotherapy was helpful, I would want to stop the medicine. Sometimes with addiction, it's difficult to allow troubles to mount - but this might be exactly what produces a turning point in your son's life.

FM commented:
keep contact to phone calls and meetings away from house.
meet for lunch, do NOT discuss habits, lifestyles, drugs unless HE brings it up.
let it go. it is HIS problem. addicts are very smart and resilient. he will get by just fine. or not. that is in God's hands, not yours.

Garnett commented:
That post was all about him. What's happening in YOUR life?

Syd commented:
I think that your son has become the focus and not you. I find that I know the truth deep inside. I may choose to deny that truth but have found it doesn't do any good to live in denial. Take care of yourself.

Kim A. commented:
When I am aware then I know I have tools to use. I double my meetings, I make a call or 3, I write it out, or blog it out, I pray for the wisdom to see that I am not my son's HP and don't see the big picture.

May 9th Mediation from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie:

Life is a gentle teacher. She wants to help us learn. The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry, frustrated, confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that the formula will never be available to our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand and we have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so EASY...now.
Life is a gentle teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated, confused, angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come. It shall.

Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it is necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.

Thanks again everyone....Renee

Here I go again...Help!

2010-01-26T23:36:00.000-08:00

My step-son is leaving for Utah tomorrow, he has been here for a month visiting. He and Z are very close and have been running around quite a bit, haven't seen much of them since a couple of days after Christmas. My step-son D moved to Utah a couple of years ago as he had a job opportunity and wanted to get out of the town (he also has drug issues). He has worked there for about 2 1/2 years but was recently laid off and is on unemployment. He is going back and I believe he feels he needs to not come back to this area right now as he feels tempted here.

My husband gave Z's probation officer his cell phone number last Friday so she could contact him directly. He told me tonight while here visiting that they did a random drug test Monday and he passed. I asked him what the different in him passing that drug test and all ther others he has been given in his required probation drug classes was. He stated that at the probation drug testing they have mirrors and watch you with open doors, while drug class does not. I knew there must have been somethng happening at those drug class tests because he has been using off and on (mostly on I suspect).

He had a new pair of sunglasses and an IPOD, and I again assumed he bought these items with his "school money" he received, but who knows. He left his clothes and items in my garage and he is hinting around about having to try and figure stuff out. He wants to call my cousin in a nearby town to see if he can get a job at his car dealership (at first he wanted me to make that call, told him not my deal). I talked to him and told him I would appreciate it if my cousin does end up hiring him that he be truly ready to work and not burn bridges with them, otherwise, I am staying the hell out of it. His plan is to get a job there ASAP so he can then ask probation for a transfer. THEN, he starts to hand me a pink piece of paper to hold on to for him, but hesitates. I asked him what it was and he told me it was a slip for a TV he pawned. He looked it over real careful and then handed it to me, and I tossed it on the table. We discussed a friend of his whose mother is dying of cancer. This friend took his mom's car and got into an accident, he was driving on a suspended license for the third time and had stolen property in the car. I found out from my son the stolen property came from another one of their friends who has been stealing things from PG&E yard and trading/selling it for drugs.

So I know you all know where this is going in my little co-dependent head. I have a few butterflies in my tummy tonight for sure. I am just so afraid he has gotten into the whole stealing/pawning/receiving crap. He also knows I do not want him living with me right now and he doesn't really want to either. I suspect he will be coming to me in the next week though as he is soon to run out of avenues again.

So my blogger friends, I am not even gonna sound strong tonight and throw out all about what I know, what I need to do, how I need to take care of me, etc. What I am gonna throw out there is a bit of a desperate plea to you all to give it to me straight...gently. I need your support so fire away.

Photography

2010-01-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

I love taking photos and it is a passion of mine that I haven't pursued in quite some time. Below are some of the photos I have taken (mostly in Crescent City, CA). I have decided I need to pick up my camera and take off for a day to just take photos.

Uncomfortable Territory-FRIDAY FLASH 55

2010-01-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

Eyelids closing, stinging, she was ever so tired. Her mind raced to exhuastion, but her body didn't move. With the storm settled a bit, she slowly started sinking into a foreign place, so unfamilar, confusing and uncomfortable. It never occured to her to stop, look and listen to her own needs and to fulfill them.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

Forced to Look Into the Silence

2010-01-20T23:23:00.000-08:00

It has been pretty calm at my house lately, no "Chaos", no emergencies of the night, phone calls needing this or that. I have been attempting for quite some time to work on self soothing techniques and just taking care of my needs. I realized this past week just how difficult that is for me, and I was really surprised by it. I have taken some steps but there is so much more to be done. I know now that the silence without the chaos is forcing me to look at myself, which of course I never took the time to do. I find myself being lazy about it, depressed and making excuses. I have health issues with my weight now and I haven't been to the gym or truly exercised in a very long time. I don't sleep well, actually fight it at times. I don't take care of my home the way I like to and don't concentrate well at work. Don't get me wrong, not beating myself up at all, just looking at it and astounded at how difficult I have found it to just do simple things for self care.

I am the type of person that goes all out or nothing. So when I start a weight loss journey, I start out over exercising, under eating, everything to the extreme. I do this with many things and then set myself up that way. I guess it is just difficult to break old habits. My counselor stated to me tonight that we all have a lazy person inside us and nobody likes to swallow the nasty pill. I started thinking about this as motivation or wanting to change things is not enough. It is like taking that nasty little pill for a terrible virus, to get well, you have to do it, otherwise you remain ill. I need to walk for 10 minutes a day to start, watch my food intake and what I put in my mouth. Read a good book instead of veg out in front of the TV every night after work. Meditate and read Al-anon material daily. That in and of itself would be enough, enough for now.

Then I really started letting the brain go on this whole thing and realized what extreme expectations I have put on my son over the years. I mean, here he is an addict, smoking oxy and doing whatever with any opiates he can get, with people all around him tempting him. I expect that he can just figure it out, get help and get well, done. But then I think, I can't seem to get in 10 minutes of exercise and I used to do five times that much with a much more hectic schedule. I can't seem to eat the right portions of food because it is put in front of me. Oh how the addicts must struggle with all the temptation put before them.

I also spoke with my son a little tonight, hadn't talked to him in about two weeks or more. He sounded loaded, but I didn't bring it up. He also had court Tuesday that I found out about at work as i ran the daily calendar. I did not freak out as to whether he made it to court, what it was about, what would happen, and believe me, one year ago, I would have been all up in that. Come to find out, he made it to court on time and they did not press charges (having a smoking device). Six months ago, I would have been freaking out knowing he was using again, while on probation and trying to "fix" it. He goes to his probation meetings, they drug test him and somehow he must pass the tests? He is for sure using so not sure how that is happening, but again, not my deal. I have a feeling in about two weeks he is going to be coming back around wanting to stay at my home again. His step-brother will be headed back out of town and that is who he has been hanging with wherever they hang. I really feel I need to keep the boundary to a "no, you can't live with me anymore". I will give him rides to probation, let him do the recycling to save the money for his fines (he has been doing this for several months). I will maybe take him to lunch or invite him to dinner sometime, but I just don't think I can live with him like this anymore. I am going to try and not project, but get myself in a better place in mind, body and spirit. So for now, my plan is the following:

Walk 10 minutes a day (or more if time or feel like it)
Journal my food and try to eat healthy foods
Get to bed 1/2 hour earlier than normal
Make a daily list of things I need to get done, limit to 2-5 items
Buy a sweet little purse gratitude journal like the one Lou posted about:)
Keep close to my blogger support group, love you guys!!

Renee

All In A Day--FRIDAY FLASH 55

2010-01-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

Quaint town small enough to run into family. BBQ lunch melting on your tongue, laughter. Agitated by the man doing his job, losing money on something brand new. Looking for that perfect spot, crashing into someone else looking. Driving in the dark, slight fog, red lights, blinding flashlight. All in a day in my life.

This 55 is related my my post regarding luck:)

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

If it weren't for bad luck.....

2010-01-14T09:59:00.000-08:00

Saturday I had to make a trip to a town about 45 minutes from home to buy a baby shower gift and to exchange some X-mas stuff. My husband and brother came along. I ran into my cousin and we all shared an unexpected meal together so the day seemed to be turning out quite nicely. As the day progressed I lost about $200 on one of my returns of a laptop (don't shop at Best Buy, thier reutrn policy is shit)! Anyways, I ate the cost and moved on. We were headed into Penney's when a car was getting ready to pull out from a parking spot. My husband stopped and then was backing up to get out of the way and to take the prime spot! Well...he ran into a brand new 2010 Toyota Corolla! We exchange info with the owners and proceed with our chores. We stayed pretty calm but my husband didn't want to drive my vehicle home after the accident, so I said I would. He usually drives at night on the road between this town and ours as it is one lane and they call it "blood alley", but whaever, I have driven it before. Before heading back home I had this feeling, like maybe he should be driving because now something unusual is gonna happen as I am driving and I usually don't, you know kind of being supersticious and silly. Well, I got a darn speeding ticket!!! The police officer was sitting in a dark orchard as I drove by at about 7 miles over the speed limit. He of course said I was going faster and I told him I swore I looked at the speedometer and he said he swore that I was going faster...he said he gave me a break and cited me for 10 miles over the speed limit.

I had been home ill the Monday and Tuesday, so yesterday I got to work right no time. There is not a lot of public parking at the Court on Wednesday mornings as all courts are going full blast. The girls in our office had mentioned that they had stopped giving tickets for the 2 hour parking spots (which I never park in). I parked in one because it was the only spot left. I forgot to move my car and wasn't really worried about it as they often don't cite around here. Well....I got a parking ticket!

So, either God is trying to tell me to SLOW DOWN, DRIVE SAFE, AND PAY ATTENTION TO PARKING RULES, I if I didn't have bad luck, wouldn't have any at all...ha!

Like I said, I have been sick so not posting a lot and have tried to keep up on your blogs and comment. Barbara, I am so happy Ant looks to be pulling out of his life threatening situation, God Bless him and you. TKay, I am so sorry for your loss and am thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Renee

Mending-Friday Flash 55

2010-01-08T09:09:00.001-08:00

It was time for a change, time to walk her own path, take care of her needs. The urge to cut through and make it happen instantly is strong. The first steps are the hardest, but the reward so sweet. She puts the scissors down and decides to mend slowly, one stitch at a time.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

Resisting the urge of fake guilt thoughts

2010-01-07T15:04:00.000-08:00

Well I finally got to see my counselor last night after her being off for health reasons for 4 months. It was nice to see her and listen to her comments, very comforting like an old comfy robe. Lately I have been catching myself when I go to do something for me, something to take care of myself, then stopping. I notice that I feel bad about having fun, or leaving an allowing someone else to feel lonesome. Now mind you I realize this is not proper thinking, but it is what I do and have done for many, many years. I feel guilt before I do something that shouldn't make me feel guilty in the first place!

So we discussed it for a bit and she threw out an analogy...and you all know how I LOVE analogies:) So here goes. She asked me if I had ever quit smoking to which I told her I had and it was one of the hardest things in my life to do. She said that these guilt feelings that I am having are embedded, habitual false guilt. It is a habit that needs to be broken. So she asks me what I did to quit smoking, each time I wanted to smoke like after eating, waking up, going to sleep, you know if you have ever been a smoker, you want to smoke after and before EVERYTHING you do! So I told her I refrained and moved through the urge reminding myself how long I had gone without a smoke and how great that was for my health. She said, do the same thing with these habitual false guilt thoughts.

As with quitting smoking, or any other habit or addiction, it is difficult at first, but practice makes perfect. So I am gonna catch those little nasty false guilt thoughts and stomp them out, then go forward with my own life instead of over-participating in others.

I am still trying to upload my photos from our little get away and will post something this week on that. I also need to start taking my health into consideration and lose some weight. Three major deaths and much grief over my addicted son has put an extra 30 pounds on my small frame. I need to take responsibility for the way I have handled my stress now, it is time. I also needed to put that in writing because it feels official now.

Have a happy week!

Renee

Not MIA

2010-01-04T19:06:00.001-08:00

Hi all, wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year and let you know I didn't fall off the face of the planet! We have been at our house on the coast and I plan to post some pictures in a few days of our adventures. I have been reading you all and trying to comment here and there. We are driving back tomorrow (5 1/2 hour drive) and back to work on Wednesday. It never seems to be enough time but I am grateful that I have the time at all, a job and a nice little getaway near the sea. I love the ocean so much and just being with my husband has been a blessing.

I miss my blog friends:)

Renee

Sick

2009-12-29T22:00:00.000-08:00

So I am supposed to be getting ready to leave after work tomorrow night to our house on the coast. I started feeling a bit sickly today, maybe a head cold. I have managed to ward off the illnesses running rampant in our office and around town, that is it appears until one day before I leave for a short vacation...imagine that!

I have to admit I am pretty nervous for my son. I am pretty sure he received that money from the school ($2,007) and is using it for a major binge. It concerns me as his usage has been down from what it once was as he is on probation, but he appears to not be caring about that at this point and I am concerned he will OD. That all being said, nothing I can do but pray to God to intervene and to bring a mentor into my son's life. So sad, having to deal with the drug and not being able to even see my son through that mask of chemicals. Brother is still MIA and we are scheduled to leave tomorrow. I am determined to feel better so been eating chicken soup, got a massage today and drinking juice, now off to bed. I pray I feel well tomorrow and get on the road to a bit of peace with my hubby.

Serenity prayer, Serenity prayer, Serenity prayer....night all.

All you need is Love

2009-12-28T23:41:00.001-08:00

Tonight has been a bit random as I suppose my thoughts will be now. I came home from work and my brother is MIA. This usually makes me nervous about what state he will show up in as we are still trying to work with him to get his social security and a payee. He has been doing very well, but him disapearing usually is not a good sign. It rolled of my back tonight and I was a bit relieved to be home alone for a bit of time. My husband came home, we had dinner and were watching a little TV. My son came in to grab a few things, he seemed loaded. He mumbled a few words and left. My husband mentioned that he had heard from a friend that my son was arrested for drunk in public or something like that on Christmas night. I called him right after he left to inquire (probably shouldn't have). He wanted to know who told him, he was in a pissy mood and denied it but in such a way that I know he is lying of course. This rolled off my back!

I am a bit sad but mostly not too affected by all this which is a sign of progress. It is their journey, their lives to learn their lessons, I stayed out of the way tonight. We watched Intervention tonight on A&E (I never usually watch this, kind of upsetting). Anyways, it was a very sad show and it made me kind of sick to see how devastated the mother was and the fact that I could relate so well. It also made me kind of sick to see all the expensive rehab commercials during this show, come on people, let's not be so obvious with our capitalizaiton of saving the addicts for a pretty penny! Don't get me wrong, I am all for rehab, but am kind of tired of the comercialization of it all (I know I will probably take a little heat on this one).

At the end of the night we ended up watching a documentary on the making of the Beatles "Love" show in Vegas. It was just such a fantastic documentary to watch and if you have never seen the Love show in Vegas, it is SUPER and makes you kind of believe that all we need is love:)

We are leaving for our little place on the redwood coast this Wednesday night through Monday night. I am a bit apprehensive as I always am when leaving town with two active addicts in the family. We have secured a house sitter and are leaving regardless and I am determined to rest, read, laugh and just relax with my husband.

A happy holiday

2009-12-27T15:00:00.001-08:00

We had a lovely holiday. We woke up late and made breakfast. My husband, brother and I ate a nice quiet breakfast and then my son and step-son showed up, along with my father-in-law, my neice and her little guy (almost two). We had wrapping flying every where and laughter. We had a lovely prime rib dinner and my son even helped wihtout me even asking! Towards the end of the day, we were watching a Christmas movie and I saw my son nodding a bit. I just prayed and gave it to God. Overall, the day was beautiful and I enjoyed my family. I was so happy to read about all my blogger friends' lovely holidays also. Now, just have to start clearing away the mess:)

Trying to live in the moment!

2009-12-23T10:02:00.000-08:00

Well, my son Zach came back to our house one day after he left. He said it didn't work out, the girl he was going to rent a room from was "crazy", blah, blah, blah. This was yesterday and I told him on the phone I didn't think it was a good idea for him to come to the house and stay that night so he didn't. He came home last night, and I had made a decision prior to him arriving that I am going to wait until the holiday is over to have a meeting with him. I am going to try to just stay present and enjoy the holidays the best I can with my hubby and step-son, brother and father-in-law. I deserve it and so do they.

My son will be receiving money from the school check soon, if not today. I don't know what he will do with it. I just feel the time has come that I need to tell him he can not stay with me unless he seeks treatment. He won't seek treatment as we have discussed it recently and, surprise, he doesn't think he needs it or has a problem. He is worse off now with his denial than he was a year ago. I love him so very much, but I know deep in my heart that what I have been doing by providing him shelter is not helping him or me. I hope and pray I can find the strength to do what is needed and not do it in anger.

The holidays creep up on us. Even when I am living in the moment there is that added stress and presure during the holidays that just always seems to get to people, everyone around me. One day, I will just head to our little cabin in the mountains for X-mas and have a nice little time with my hubby, decorate a tree outside the cabin with popcorn and berries, have a nice fire and drink hot chocolate, play card games.....nice escape for a minute, sorry for the ramble:)

I know a lot of you are missing your children, just like me. Mine is here physically but really not Zach, such a shame. I know many of your kids are in rehab (thank God), others have just bolted and are doing their thing, some in jail (thank God). I have to believe that there is a reason that our kids are where they are this holiday season and in the place they are, it is a part of their journey in life to be doing what they are doing. I pray that this next year will bring our kids restored health and recovery, and to all us parents the exact same.

God Bless you guys and have a joyfilled holiday.

Renee

P.S. after I wrote this I received a call from my counselor, she is back from medical leave and ready to start seeing clients! I can't express how much I have missed her and her loving soul, she has been so helpful to me in the past three years. Merry Christmas to me, my counselor is well...hahahahahaha!

Great List from Syd!

2009-12-22T13:39:00.000-08:00

Below is a list that Syd posted on his blog today. I loved it so and wanted to share it with anyone that might read my blog. Also, I will be posting an update later tonight I hope, more stuff with the little prince (Zach). Here is the list:

These are some guidelines for setting boundaries:

1. Give up any expectations about the outcome
2. Clearly define consequences that don't disrupt my serenity.
3. Set boundaries and communicate them clearly.
4. Enforce boundaries consistently.
5. Set boundaries without regard for the relationship

And these are some of the healthy boundaries that I now strive to use :
Keep my Mouth Shut-- I don't need to engage in arguments with another.
Live One Day at a Time-- I don't want to project about the future or rehash the past over and over.
Take Nobody's Inventory but My Own-- I don't need to browbeat another or try to convince them of my viewpoint. I just need to focus on my own behavior.
Focus on myself-- I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling and reach out to others in the program when I am angry, lonely or tired.

I'm still far from being able to do all of these things consistently. But I have come to understand that having healthy boundaries is must better than not having any at all.

Thanks Syd for your wisdom!

Check Saga update

2009-12-21T09:25:00.000-08:00

Well, for those of you that read my post here, and here, you know I shredded the grant check for my son that I shouldn't have opened in the first place. He has contacted the financial aid office and they are reissuing another check (even though he dropped out of school). So he has decided that a recent friend needs a roomate and he packed up some of his stuff last night. He hasn't received the money yet ($2,007) but will shortly. I guess he thinks that will be enough to live on forever? He kind of joked that it was a one week trial because he knows that if he leaves the house for good, it is gonna be real hard if not impossible for him to come back. We kind of made light of it, but he is aware that I will more than likely not allow him back into the house. He had plans to pay off some fines and get his license back, time will tell what he does, not my business. He did offer to give me some money but he wasn't completely excited about that idea and I don't really need it, I would rather not have anything to do with that money after doing what I did with the check in the first place. I am tired from the holiday festivities going on and trying to work and take care of the house stuff. I am about ready for X-mas, only a few more things to wrap. Didn't get my cards done or baking this year, may try to bake this week, but doubt it.

I am still sad that my son hasn't even come close to hitting his bottom and realize that much of that has to do with my actions of making things a bit to easy for him. It is so hard to turn your back on your kid when they are suffering so much, but I know it is the most loving thing to do for him. I have lately been watching my expectations unfold in my head and reminding myself that it not a healthy thing for me to be doing. He is an addict and addiction is so very powerful. He is an opiate addict which I believe to be the devil working at his hardest. My son may never seek help, may never get well, or he may. I can't wait to be happy in my life or wait to live my life until the ultimate outcome is known because that may never come. People get well and relapse after years, this is a one day at a time thing for him and for me. So today people, it is a good day and I hope it is a good day for all of you.

Renee

Holiday Madness-FRIDAY FLASH 55

2009-12-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

She scurried across the parking lot of the mall, checking her list of gifts she still needed to purchase. Items purchased now the packages would need to be wrapped, the cards sent, the yummies baked for the neighbors and friends, the food for the dinner bought and cooked. She forgot the meaning of Christmas though!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

You are Invited to a Pity Party!

2009-12-16T22:59:00.000-08:00

I am so upset that this will probably be more of a rambling pity party post than anything constructive, so beware.

I came home, after a really hard day at work. We had our work Christmas party and one of my co-workers is off this week and I have to cover her desk, and then helped set up the party for the staff. I get home and my husband decides to let go of some crap he has been building up because he doesn't communicate his feelings usually, so it builds up. He looks at me when I get home and starts telling me all the things my son didn't do while at home today. I kind of just lost it on both of them. I had to leave I was so upset. I cried my eyes out in the shower, in the car, in my bed. I finally went into the kitchen to eat something and the fridge is bare of the necessities. We haven't had time to even go to the store, well actually some people have had the time but whatever.

My son and I went round and round tonight, the good, the bad, the ugly. It was all over the place. He finally left but I am pretty sure he is up to no good and possibly dealing? Oh, he called about the financial aid check and is going up to get another one, so there is that, which I am staying the hell out of!

My brother left the other night and now he is completely on the crazy train. I don't understand bi-polar but he must have used meth the other day because he is just acting so fricking nuts I can't stand to be in the same area as him. I almost took him to town tonight but it is freezing and it was almost 11 pm, so decided to just talk to him about it and go to bed. Lord only knows what he will do in the middle of the night around here being in the frame of mind he is in tonight..wow is all I can say. I am sad, so sad about it all. Just makes me sick to my stomach. And, I am so very angry. Is that part of recovery at all, getting to the point where you are so angry you can't keep from spilling out your thoughts and feelings at the drop of a hat? I mean, is it like the first part, maybe a transition into the recovery part? I know, probably stupid questions, but I actually think I am losing it around all these people tonight.

Then, I come in to go to bed, and I decided to count the money in my wallet. I do this now just to be safe, but I usually don't leave my purse just laying around. Anyways, I have never, ever missed money out of my purse, ever...until tonight. I counted the money the other night and it was all there, tonight missing $20.o0. My son states he didn't do it and brother the same. I advised them I didn't know who did it, but I feel violated and it better never happen again, ever! I am so upset tonight. My son said he is moving out with all that damn grant money that will last him a minute. My brother is too crazy to figure out how to move out and we are still working on getting his SS and a payee in line. I miss my mom and my sister so much. My house is full of men and I simply can not relate to them right now.

Sorry everyone, I really did try to take care of myself tonight, but shit just kept getting in my way. Hmmm, I wonder if that is what it feels like for the addict when I get in their way?? Too angry to really care about that one tonight. If you have read this far, thanks for hearing me out and joining in briefly to my wonderful pity party.

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade

2009-12-14T22:14:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I decided to juice all of the lemons off of our little lemon tree. We had a bumper crop this year, I just didn't realize how many lemons we had. The picture above is only a very small portion of the lemons we had. We peeled them before juicing this year as the juice is less bitter. I froze over a dozen ice cube trays and probably a dozen gallon baggies of juice! I am going to make some homemade lemon tarts and pies for the neighbors for X-mas. I also am planning on making some strawberry lemonade this summer. We also made about three gallons of lemonade yesterday, some of which I gave away to my niece. My husband and brother helped me out with the lemons and we laughed as my husband said I would be bathing in lemon juice before it was over with!

Without going into a lot of detail, tonight I came home and my brother was gone, hanging with some friend and I am assuming the worst. My son called and I asked him if he could stay somewhere tonight so that my husband and I could have a night alone, which he obliged. Several years ago, I would have gone looking for my brother or been very upset wondering what was going to happen next, was he going to be walking the cold streets talking to traffic, using meth to quiet the voices? Now, I just stepped back and realized it is not up to me what happens next and it doesn't matter right now, the only thing that mattered was I needed a nice hot shower and my husband's company. So I guess when life hands you lemons, we can just make lemonade:)

I left Limbo Land

2009-12-12T12:35:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you who have commented the past few days during my little co-dependent break down. I should NEVER have opened the check and should have just put return to sender, no forward given. I did not do that. I opened it, then stressed over what to do with it. It wasn't mine, I feel ashamed that I sunk back into my old behaviors. But, I made a decision today and right or wrong, stuck to it. I shredded the check. If another one comes, I will mark not at this address and send it back. My son is not truly living here. He comes and goes because he can't be in my home when he is actively high. I am not sure how to have a loving relationship with him when he is actively using, but I can't cut him compltely out of my life. So the reason for his coming and going. My boundaries over time seem to get more stern and held with conviction so I have faith that my path will go where it is supposed to as will his. Too bad it just isn't in my time or how I want it to be.

I know I may take heat for shredding the check but I just couldn't stand the thought of him spending school grant money to go on a major drug binge that could lead to his demise. I did what I did, it is done, I need to move forward now. A special thanks to Fractalmom for sticking with me on this and being a voice of experience, it helped me get out of Limbo Land, and yes, Limbo Land sucks!

Renee

Update

2009-12-11T08:24:00.000-08:00

I still have the check. He came home for a minute last night to grab some of his things. He was high as a kite. I again expressed to him that I can not see him in that state. He never mentioned the check and neither did I. He left pretty quickly and I think he will be gone at minimum the full weekend. Something has gotta give. I have so much to do this weekend for the holidays. I must find time to read my 12 step books and other healing material. Part of me just wants to shred the damn check and pretend it never came.

I want to thank you all for your comments. I feel the strength of you pouring off my computer screen. Some of you have so many years of experience with this. I often get upset with our boys because we tell them something so they don't have to learn the hard way. And here I am, at times still resisting following examples of those that have been there and done it long before me.

I hope you all have a super fantastic weekend!

FRIDAY FLASH 55-HAPPY BIRTHDAY G-MAN!!

2009-12-10T22:48:00.000-08:00

He is always there in cyberspace making you smile at your computer screen. He has a way of making you get out of your head and be artistic, with a challenge to do so each week in 55 words, nor more, no less. Happy Birthday G-Man, thanks for the inspiration and hope you feel better!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

I know already...but?

2009-12-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

My son signed up for a junior college for his first time this fall semester. He also signed up for financial aid and attended school until about three weeks ago. When he came back home last Thursday, one of our discussions was his financial aid. He had received a notice in the mail indicating he was awarded financial aid and that after checking records they would send the check. I told him they may not after checking to see if he dropped, and that even if they did it would be wrong for him to cash it. We had a bit of a disagreement over this and then I let it drop.

Well, the check showed up in the mail today ($2,007). I was caught a bit off guard as I thought for sure the school would have checked his records and see he was not in compliance. He called tonight and said that if the check showed up to please tell him, and not hide it from him and send it back. He stated he wants to pay off all of his fines, get his driver's license back with the money. This is a grant, not loan money. I advised him on Thursday that I did not feel it was right that he only attend for about 1/2 semester and then take money that would basically either have to be paid back, or at minimum if he wanted to attend college again with aid he would be put on probation.

So, I already know the answer, and I am pretty sure I know that any comments to this post will match that answer. I guess i just need to see it in writing from other people. I feel like if I do give him the check (because it is HIS), then I want to tell him that he either puts the money to good use or he leaves. So that is probably bargaining, right? That is enough money for one heck of an overdose and it is also the principle of it that really bugs me. I didn't raise my child to take advantage of the system trying to assist him, of course I didn't think I raised him to be addicted to opiates either.

I feel like I have to tell him tomorrow the check is here but not sure what to do after that. I hate this, HATE it. My codependent self is rearing her ugly little head. I am so afraid of what he will do with that much money. I know I need to look that fear in the eye and move forward, I guess I am just wanting you all to tell me that or something.

Learning Unconditional Love

2009-12-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

I have had a hard couple of days. As noted in an earlier post, my son came back into our home on Thursday night. I advised him that he needed to have employment within three weeks and if he didn't, we would re-evaluate to see how much effort he had put into the job hunt and go from there. We have yet had the time to sit down all together (my husband, son and I) to discuss other boundaries. He is pretty aware of our rules and regulations, but a few things have changed. I did tell him that once he found a job, he would need to give us at minimum 40 percent of what he earns to put towards his fines so he can get off probation possibly earlier. I told him that in six months we would re-assess the living situation to see how things were going and that we still needed to sit down and discuss a few more things. That all went well...UNTIL about 20 minutes after that conversation of course.

He was watching some TV in his room when all of the sudden he comes into the kitchen and advises me that he might come home later with a black eye, out of no where mind you, while I am humming away doing the dishes. Anyways I bit just a little and asked him what he was talking about, and he mumbled something about a friend of his .....blah, blah, blah....I tuned out. He then went into his room and started riffling around in his drawers, agitated and all jacked up. I know this because our house is too small and not so sound proof. So instead of just heading off to the shower so as not to spill the blood from biting my tongue off, I proceeded to yell at him to stop slamming and shoving in the room. He started making kind of fun at me, bad move. I went off and basically told him I was sick of the drama, sick of the opiate use, sick of all that went with it. I grabbed his hamper full of clothes and a backpack and took it to the front porch. I advised him he need not bother to stay there as it obviously had never helped him in the past and it wasn't helping me or my husband by having him there. After a bit of an argument that I am sure you can all play out in your heads, I got real quiet. Too bad it took me 10 minutes of acting out my fear to do it, but better late than never I suppose. He came into the living room and apologized for being such an ass. He left shortly thereafter, I never asked him about what the looming "fight" was over. Didn't hear anymore from him last night.

This afternoon he stopped by with some new girl and advised me that he did not get into a fight. I didn't really respond and tried to be polite to the young lady he brought into our home at no notice. He showed her the house and was being very friendly, BUT he was obviously high, to me and my husband. I did not make a scene, he grabbed a few things and was in the living room trying to make small talk. I at one point had finally had enough and told him in a low tone that he was not to be in my house in that shape. He tried to change the subject for a minute and then he and the girl left, on nice terms. Not gonna see him tonight either.

I am sad tonight. I hate seeing him high. It is one thing to know he is probably out there getting high, but I can tune that out and let it go much easier than having to see him and deal with him when he is high. It is just so damn devastating.

Anyways, I got on with my day, shopped, watched a movie, ate a healthy dinner. My husband and I had a lovely time Friday night on our date, had a most excellent dinner, did a little shopping and then tried our luck at the little Indian Casino in the town nearby. I actually won and we walked out a bit over "even".

I read a couple of paragraphs out of a book I have and want to share them below. The book is great, but not for everyone. I take what speaks to me out of this particular book and leave the rest. If anyone is interested in the title let me know.

"Unconditional love means keeping your heart open at all times. To do so, you may need to let go of the expectations you have of other people, of wanting them to be anything other than what they are. It means letting go of any need for people to give you things, act in certain ways, or respond with love. Many wait for others to be warm and loving before they are."

"When you experience uncomfortable barriers or boundaries between yourself and others, it is a sign that you need to transmit more love to others and to yourself. You may not choose to live with them, be close to them or around them all the time, but they will still benefit from your broadcast of love. Some people try to put on a brave or strong front, acting in ways that say 'I will not be vulnerable or hurt'. Yet, that very act creates fear and pain, attracting even more negative action from people that then requires an even braver exterior."
I apologize for the length of the post. These two paragraphs are just the pages I turned to and they spoke to me tonight. I hope you all have a joy-filled week!

Renee

Mighty Ducks--FLASH FRIDAY 55

2009-12-03T23:35:00.000-08:00

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

The sea of green and yellow shouting out encouragement, excitement and hope. Dreams sought, some lost but for some the dream came true. The fierce battle to cross the line, get to the winning side where the music bellowed from the band. How often do you see a duck beat a beaver for a rose?

My girlfriend is a HUGE Oregon Ducks fan and she doesn't have cable, doesn't watch a lot of TV. She brought soup to us tonight so that she could use our TV to watch the Civil War between Oregon University (Mighty Ducks) and Oregon State (Beavers). It was a great game and a lot of fun...and the ducks beat the beavers for the rose...rose bowl that is!!

When it Rains....

2009-12-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

it poors! My son contacted my husband today to advise him that he needs to come back home for a time as there are now issues with the friends he was living with. No surprise really but sure didn't want to have to try and figure out my boundaries and what to do right yet (do we ever want to?)

So now I am not feeling so strong again, the rollercoast of a day from being the mom of an addict and sister to dual diagnosis brother. I need to sit down with my husband and figure out what our boundaries are. I really dont' want either one of them living there, but so far have been unable to take the boundarie that far (at least on a permanent basis). I have put them both out on the street before, so it is not that, it is just so hard to do, especially a 2fer! I am taking my husband out tomorrow, it is our 16th anniversary of our first date, chinese food and we saw Mrs. Doubtfire in the theater, dating myself:) I am gonna try hard, please pray for us and for me to find the resolution that is best for me and my husband.

I so appreciate all your support. I haven't been posting lately much, now it seems like I can't stop!!

Rebounding

2009-12-03T09:20:00.001-08:00

I am feeling stronger today after my post from yesterday. I went with my son to the gym last night and we worked out together, it was so nice to get in some exercise, and with my son just made it all the sweeter.

I brought my brother home last night, made sure he took his medicine and fed him. I explained the best I could to him that I would need to make sure he takes his bi-polar meds to stay with us until his SS and payee comes through. He was a bit spacey but agreed. We will see.

I feel strong today. Like I can make decisions and boundaries within what feels comfortable to me and my family. Some of my decisions may still be co-dependent behavior or bordering on such, but I still feel strength in setting limits on what makes me comfortable. It just seems as time goes by and with practice, the limit setting, boundaries and detachment all become easier each time. I know I won't always have days where I feel strong, but today, I do. Thanks Syd for your comment on my previous post, it really sunk in with me. To everyone else who left comments, I thank you for the support in a very weak moment for me. Have a joyfilled day everyone!

Birthday Celebration

2009-11-30T22:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my son's 24th birthday. I took him shopping last Wednesday for clothing and we had a fabulous time together. He has been staying with some friends of his that are being supportive with limits. We took him to dinner last night and just had such a good time, he was so present, no nodding off or being irritable, just laughing, eating and enjoying ourselves. All involved commented how wonderful a time they had and how good it was to see him in this light. I savored the moment and will cherish the memory.

O.K., now for the otherside of the coin...I am in deep co-dependent illness mode and fighting hard to battle it off. My mind is racing about a bit and I am sad. It is my brother this time...I know, his life, not my business. Here is the latest:

My husband and I have allowed my dual diagnosed brother to live with us since 10/15/09. From that date up to this past Monday, he has been taking his meds, no drugs, gone to the dentist, psychiatrist, checked in with his parole officer on a regular basis, helped us with anything we ask, etc. Now mind you, this is a person who has never been able to make it off of parole due to doing meth to medicate his bi-polar situation. Now I know he is also addicted, but his psychiatrist explained to me they often consider a form of self-medicating as the meth mellows those with bi-ploar mania believe it or not.

Anyways, he is working on getting his social security back and we have allowed him to stay with us and are working with him to get his money and a payee situated. This past Monday he seemed odd. He has been taking massive amounts of antibotics for a tooth and boil infection. So we thought maybe he was just feeling really ill. But last night when I went home from work to get ready for my son's dinner, he was just being VERY ODD! So I kind of got pissy (shouldn't have done that but oh well). He went outside and I just figured maybe he hadn't been taking his bi-polar meds? We went to leave and he was gone. We went to dinner, had a great time, came home and I did my nightly routine. I finally went to be but have to admit I was in the worry mode. He stopped by my husband's work today and he brought him home, he is still not right. I am stepping back for right now, don't want to REACT, just give myself a bit of time and see what he does. I am planning on telling him that I need to see him take his meds each night for him to stay with us, not sure if that is the right thing to do? He was living under the bridge in our town and I would bring him food, it just killed me to do that. Now I am rambling, see what I mean about those racing thoughts! At least my relationship with my son is better right now. We are going to the gym together after work to get in some exercise and I have a massage tonight too, so I am taking care of myself, just need to take care of my mind!

Oh the Angst of it all!

2009-11-25T09:46:00.000-08:00

I sometimes have trouble putting my thoughts in writing. Maybe it is because I have become somewhat disconnected with myself? I decided to write this even if it doesn't come off eloquently and hopeful it will make some sense.

I am so angry, at first I thought "at" my son, but now I just think it is pure stress. I thought maybe it originated from fear, all the anger that I act out towards my boy, but now I think I am just fed up with it all. Maybe I should get out of my head and quit trying to figure out why I am so short and mean to him and get out of my own head for a bit? I don't want to become bitter, but afraid it is happening. The way I relate to my son is not healthy for me or him. I can't seem to bite my tongue enough (I wouldn't have a tongue)! I love my son so much and I see the desperation in him, but I am finding myself being angered by his desperation? I am just so sick of dealing with it, looking at it, being around it, his addiction. I feel like such a shit of a mother right now but I am exhausted from the battle, his battle, not mine. I fight it much more than he has and I know that isn't going to get him well. He was gone for over a month living with friends, etc. My brother has been staying with us, doing very well and we are trynig to assist him in getting his finances straight so he can get a payee and find a place to live. My brother is clean and helpful, is cooperative and taking his medications. He is a pleasure to be around. My son on the other hand still acts entitled, spoiled and disrespectful most times. There are times when he is very much a part of the family but it is few and far between. He now is struggling to find housing and I allowed him to sleep on our couch for a few nights. He says he has nowhere to go but he stayed at a friend's house last night.

I guess the true problem is my idea of abandonment. I felt abandoned emotionally by both parents and physically by another. I feel like I am abandoning my son, even though he will be 24 in a week. I know, I know, I know, but I guess I still haven't done my own work yet. I just bought two 12 step books on co-dependency from Amazon so I should have those soon, as long as I read them and not let them collect dust. I miss my counselor, she will not be practicing until January and the alternate counselor I didn't connect with at all. I need to go to some meetings out of town, which also makes me angry. Kind of dumb because it would be doing something for me, but also a pain to have to drive 1 1/2 hours during the middle of the week at night after work so I can get better, meanwhile he sits and does what he does.

Sorry everyone, this has been building for awhile and bottom line is I am becoming an angry bitter person, espceially with my own son.

On a lighter note, Happy Thanksgiving to you all and your families. I am grateful for the following:

1. My loving supportive husband
2. My brother being clean, sober and working towards a better future
3. My son being alive
4. My blogger support
5. My Christmas decor is up and really pretty
6. Shopping online for Christmas
7. Electricity and food, housing and all that goes with that
8. Having employment that pays well and is steady
9. Being open minded
10. Pumpkin Pie with whipped cream.

Renee

Need help with Blog site question

2009-11-23T11:18:00.001-08:00

How do you make a shelf for your blog awards? I have add a gadget but not sure what to add??? I know, you would think I could figure that out by now!

Dragon Loyalty Award!

2009-11-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Chic Mama for the Dragon Loyalty Award! This is my first blog award and I am proud of it. I am a bit green on how this works but I am going to attempt to pass this baby on!

These following people definitely deserve to be thanked for their loyalty.

1. Barbara
2. Cat
3. Madison
4. Lou
5. Annette

Thank you all for being so comforting to me and being my buddy system through this crappy ride we are on!

Renee

Playing Hide and Seek with Fear--Friday Flash 55

2009-11-19T23:33:00.000-08:00

She kids herself, thinking she has figured it out and has found the illusive thing hiding within her. That dark emotion that brings about so much pain. She becomes confident and drops her guard as she tricks herself into believing she can finally see it. But, fear continues to play hide and seek with her.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-man!!

Hope you all have a super weekend!

So much for the silence!

2009-11-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

I am at work so I will try to keep this post short, but I have to get this off my chest. My son met my husband at work this morning and he took him out to our house. He is trying to get into the dentist along with my brother as they both have a rotten tooth. Anyways, my husband had to go back into town for some stuff and when he returned home my son was sleeping (passed out). My son had asked my brother to wake him as he had a college class at 9:30 am, brother tried to no avail. I spoke with my husband and he informed me of all of this. I told him to wake my son and tell him he needs to go into town, to school late or somewhere else. My husband tried to wake him but as usual when he is high he is passed out, rude when awoken and just a complete ass. So I spoke with my husband again a few minutes ago, the dentist got my brother in and will see my son tomorrow (my husband has a friend in the low-income dentist office who helped out with this). I know probably enabling on the dentist thing but we believe both of them have ab absessed tooth. I told my husband to wake my son again, tell him he has 1/2 hour to get ready and take him to town...period. He has been staying with friends for the past 3 weeks and not living in our home. He is slowly failing at college and still has no job or real efforts to find one (couple of days he put in good job hunts, out of three weeks). I am fed up. I am too angry to even deal with him right now. I will say as little as possible and try to not sound too much like a bitch to him when I do talk to him. But I can't live with him anymore. He always figures it out when he feels like it, so he will just have to figure it out. I hate this so much, this bitter angry feeling. At first you are just heartbroken (still am), but then that bitterness and anger set in and it is so hard for me to move through that part. The real issue is he is not seeking any kind of treatment and the Drug classes he does attend are only because of probation. This has been going on so long now, and I know it could go on for years or he could die from his opiate addiction. I don't bother to ask why anymore and I am trying hard to give it to God. My counselor is still off until January and I haven't been to a meeting in a while. There isn't one in my area until Monday. I hope I can keep myself in check that long. UGH!!!

Alanon Question

2009-11-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

I have a quick question regarding Alanon and the 12 steps. Our small group in our small town do not have any type of meetings to do actual step work. We pick a topic and go. So, I am wondering how it works in other communites. I mean, do I just read through the steps and work them on my own? Any comments would be appreciated.

Stark Raving Mad for the Holiday Season

2009-11-17T11:56:00.000-08:00

So for the past two years I have not really celebrated the holidays, too much family illness and death. Oh boy, am I suddenly making up for lost time. I have already decorated my house, my office, have my tree up and working on the outside decorations for X-mas! I can't stop myself and it feels good. I am so happy to be happy about something. Life has been quiet, my son is staying with friends and things have been quiet on that front. I even went to the gym last night and plan to go tonight (haven't been in over a year). I am excited to cook and make a beautiful table for Thanksgiving and I feel I have much to be thankful for. But seriously, the Christmas Tree is up!!!!! Just wanted to share something light-hearted for a change.

Helium Balloon-Friday Flash 55

2009-11-13T00:18:00.000-08:00

Sadness building up, fear and desperation. The doubting of self and others, no trust to be found. Holding onto the ballons filled with each emotion with dear life, too afraid of what will happen if they disappear. Finally, one day the discovery of letting go...releasing the balloons along with the illusion of any control.

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-Man!

**Note, whenever we have lost someone in the past few years, we always write loving messages on balloons and release them all at once, watching them fly high above us until we can't see them. It is a nice feeling of release and I think I am going to go out, get some balloons, find a pretty spot and release some balloons with messages to my son this weekend. That was my inspiration for this 55.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Silent

2009-11-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

Since the post where I mentioned the angry conversation with my son Zach (Post), I have not heard from him. I know he is around and alive but still, the silence has been a bit rough. I also feel relief and some peace with the silence, so a bit of both, sadness and fear and then the peace. I kind of feel bad about how our last conversation went, especially the delivery of my communication with him full of anger. I feel guilt for the relief of not having to deal with any of the drama, but then I remember that I have a life too. I never thought I would be at this place with my son, where I feel relief to not hear from him, enjoying the silence...never in a million years would I have thought I could feel this way. It is a shame that to help ourselves we come to feel this way at times. Kind of rambling tonight because I am teetering with my feelings back and forth. I pray my son is safe and that the Lord will provide a divine intervention for him, show him the way to restore his health. To all the other parents out there who go to bed at night not having heard from their addicted child, wondering, afraid, crying, feeling some guilt for feeling a bit of peace, praying and letting go and giving to God...I am there with you.

Past, Present, Future--Friday Flash 55

2009-11-05T23:38:00.000-08:00

The trauma of the past came up often, memories like post-it notes stuck all over thoughts. Often thinking of the future, what could be, should be, won't be. Whirling thoughts shifting like the wind in the mind. A child laughs, suddenly all is still, the post-it notes taken with the wind--it is the present.

I counted post-it as one word:) Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no lessAnd then report to the G-Man!

Pay or Appear---Oops!

2009-11-04T14:56:00.000-08:00

So Zach had a court date this past Monday. It was for a pay fine or appear. He knew about the date because he had mentioned it to us a few times in the past month or so. He didn't go. I presume he forgot or just thought it was no big deal. He has the money saved for the fine, just didn't show. So, they revoked probation and issued a warrant. Boy oh boy, today was he scrambling about. He ran right down to the store to get a money order for the court, then called me to find out where to take it (I work at the court). That is the only help I gave him, directed him to the right building. He now needs to contact his attorney and put the case on calendar and go before the Judge. It will be interesting to see how well he does in this whole process without any assistance. Oh, and he did call me at work last minute today to see if I could take a break and give him a ride to College. I told him no and that he could walk, which is what he proceeded to do. Baby steps!

Full Moon Rising

2009-11-03T23:04:00.000-08:00

For many years I have shared a dance with my son, the dance of anger and resentment. He pushes my buttons, I react, he reacts and so on. I had done quite a bit of work on this and was doing well to sit with my emotions, not react immediately, just be a "watcher" so to speak. As of late, I am finding myself bitter, angry and resentful of my son and quite frankly, acting it out on him. I can't seem to be very nice to him at all, and have been ripping into him without him saying a word to set me off. Today he asked for a ride home during my lunch hour so he could get some homework done. I did so, with much traffic interruptions and me rushing along like a maniac. When I came home from work he wanted a ride back into town to go bowling with some friends (non-addicts). He had called me at work to ask first and I told him I would. I found out he didn't do any of the homework that is due (mind you, it is HIS homework). I started in on him letting him know how sick of it all I was. How he needs to grow up or get out. How he needs to blah, blah, blah and some more blah! I told him how we didn't have a real realtionship, it was based on his needing me to do things for him, nothing else. How I was tired of being used and ready to live my life a bit more for myself. On and on I went, the whole drive of 15 minutes to the bowling alley. He has not been staying at home this past week, couch surfing I presume. To make this shorter, I felt my words to some degree were my honest feelings, but some were just hurtful and my delivery was full of Anger! I am not really beating myself up but feeling like that is not the best way to "support" my son who I want to get well. I am becoming the bitter co-dependent and can't seem to help myself lately. I also have gained over 30 pounds in the last two years, food is my addiction. I need to be more honest with myself about how I have been using food to stave off my emotions, or avoid feeling at all. I know the things I need to do but can't seem to muster the strength or motivation to do them. So who am I to talk to my addict son about just getting better and stopping his drug abuse, when I am abusing food? I mean, we have to eat to live, don't have to do drugs to live, but come on, over 30 pounds of emotional eating and no exercise. That is not healthy living either. So maybe I am beating myself up at bit....the moon is full and I feel like howling.

Stumbling in the Dark--Friday Flash 55

2009-10-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

She tried not to make a sound after hearing the crash. Slowly she made her way in the dark out of the bedroom towards the kitchen. Unable to breathe she quickly moved around the corner of the kitchen doorway and turned on the light. There he was, her husband, eating all of the Halloween candy!

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less, and then report to the G-man!!

The Calm Before The Storm

2009-10-28T14:21:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling, when your addicted adult child has been off running around, not really checking in, kind of MIA but you know they are around. Well that has been this past week and a half for me. My step-son is in town and leaving tomorrow and my son has been hanging with him at their friends' houses (I use the term friend loosley here). Anyways, I am pretty sure my son hasn't attended his college courses for the past two weeks as he was sick last week, and pretty sure he hasn't gone this week. He was excused from his probation drug classes last week, but not this week and he had a probation meeting he was supposed to go to today. I have no idea if he has done any of the things he is supposed to do and made no effort to call and remind him or take any action. As a matter of fact it has been pretty peaceful at my home and to be honest I really don't want him to come home. I know he will be popping in tonight and if not, tomorrow for sure. I am just dreading it and feeling bad that I am put in the position to have to feel that way. I am getting pretty worn down with all the addiction drama, really. I am making no plan right now and am just going to try and stay present and let whatever is going to happen come about. I just feel a storm brewing though....

BTW, I don't see spell check when I go to post anymore??

Mom trying to Detach With Love

Vulnerable and Sad

Another struggling parent

Reevaluating my Priorites

Banging Your Head Against the Wall Over and Over

Falling off the Beam

To Let Go

Waiting Works

LOVE/FEAR

Prayers that help me for those that pray

Taking a Break

Share of an Important Post

Post at "INTERVENE...A Community for Parents"

A second job and some slips?

He got a job

Family Dinner/Suboxone and the Needle

Thoughts of Madison and broken heart for Katie

Update on several past posts

You're Fired!

Another New Parent

Trying to have Patience!

And the grief work & guilt continues

Down Time

He is taking some action!

Rehab Poll Update

Holy Toledo Batman, this stuff is hard!

Blog Award

He Called

Emotional Battlefield!

Seeking Chaos...agitated

Change of Blog Name

My Life Story (short version)

Rehab

Update/Sponsor question

The unknown and the shifting environment

Gratitude

Feeling Uncomfortable with My New Way of Behavior

Battlefield, Retreat, Surrender

News Articles Re: Prescription Drug Reform

Just Scared

Not reacting

**UPDATE**Conflicting Emotions

Stuggling with my own Life Lessons

A new Mom

Anger List

A hole in the Blog Community

Email to Self

Quiet

Oh Lord this hurts

Update

Codependency Relapse!!

A Bit of a Break

Yet another day to be the "heavy"

Friday Flash 55-Unexpected Delivery

Being proactive in our own health issues

Getting real and being a cry baby

Connecting the Mind with the Body

Update

Trying to get in touch with how I feel

Thank's for the Help and Support

Here I go again...Help!

Photography

Uncomfortable Territory-FRIDAY FLASH 55

Forced to Look Into the Silence

All In A Day--FRIDAY FLASH 55

If it weren't for bad luck.....

Mending-Friday Flash 55

Resisting the urge of fake guilt thoughts

Not MIA

Sick

All you need is Love

A happy holiday

Trying to live in the moment!

Great List from Syd!

Check Saga update

Holiday Madness-FRIDAY FLASH 55

You are Invited to a Pity Party!

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade

I left Limbo Land

Update

UPDATEConflicting Emotions